This was my fourth time doing a Step-Four inventory in FA, where I was encouraged to make a list of my “character defects,” or problems. I expected it to be easier, not harder, than previous times, and in some ways it was. I was more willing and able to recognize and accept my character defects. But it had also gotten harder in many respects. During the weeks when I was actively engaged in writing about my problems, it was painful to have my less-attractive qualities “in my face” day in and day out. I found myself triggered more than usual by difficult circumstances, and I made decisions or took actions too quickly, not following my own advice to stop, take a breath, and ask for guidance from my Higher Power. I was feeling particularly sad about my actions around a specific work situation. There was a mistake in a project... Continue Reading
After spending a full sunny day at the beach, I left feeling hot and frustrated because I had spent most of it sitting on a blanket, fully dressed, unwilling to join my cousin and aunt who were playing in the ocean. I told myself that I needed to lose weight, but the thought of losing weight overwhelmed me. I wanted to lose about 40 pounds, but I didn’t know where to start. So when my aunt told me on the car ride home that I would definitely lose weight if I just ate three weighed-and-measured meals twice a week, I was hooked. She mapped out a food regimen that involved weighing and measuring, and I wrote notes feverishly. I tried her food plan for one meal and couldn’t make it to the next. It didn’t work. Sure, it was simple and made total sense, but I couldn’t stick to it.... Continue Reading
Although my training is as an opera singer, I chose an administrative career path and don’t sing much anymore. I am a church organist on the weekend, however, and the church asked me to sing in a service of lessons and carols for Christmas. I was a bit nervous about being out of practice, but I brought God with me to every rehearsal and showed up willing to do my best. I was so grateful, because I realized that before I came into Program, rehearsals and performances were always an excuse for a binge. I would be so scared to sing in front of people that I felt I deserved that reward afterward. What a relief it was to not have to hurt myself with food anymore! The day of the performance came, and slow preparations and Boston traffic delayed my arrival at the church, so everyone was already in... Continue Reading
In my journey through dating abstinently, I have many opportunities to ensure that I stay abstinent, no matter what. I am venturing through one such experience right now. I just had a “first date” with someone. We met at a coffee shop and talked there, then took a walk and talked some more. After that, we sat on a bleacher bench and talked some more. It was quite wonderful to have a pleasant conversation, considering the fact that, in the past, I’ve been socially inept, and more comfortable stuffing my face than interacting with others. He asked me if I wanted to go to a movie that night. I used to be 155 pounds. I have been abstinent for four years and am now 115, and so happy about it. I am a food addict with a very delicate nervous system. My dating history is riddled with moving too fast and eating... Continue Reading
I have never been a very humble person. I was the oldest in my family and as the first baby, I was adored by everyone. I got very good grades, got the lead in school plays, and was told by many adults how wonderful I was. This did not do much to grow my humility bone. When my father passed away when I was only 10 years old, my friends’ parents were amazed at how well I continued to achieve in school. I rarely missed any days of school and continued to get perfect grades. (I wasn’t above cheating to maintain the appearance of my perfect grades.) But all this high achieving early in life set up a major character defect to take root —perfection. I began to feel that if I couldn’t be perfect, I was nothing. This became a breeding ground for my food addiction to blossom. I... Continue Reading
