I gained 29 pounds in the five weeks before my dad passed away four years ago. I stuffed away my feelings with food. I binged and purged day in and day out to make myself numb to the world around me. I was not willing to feel the emotions I was having, and I was a mess. I recently lost my mom, and I am so grateful to say that, as of today, I am abstinent. Because I am in Program, going through my mom’s long illness and death has been so different from the experience I had with my father. This time I had tools to use. I put my recovery first and was able to feel my feelings and not turn to food for comfort. I was at my mom’s bedside all night when she died. The first person I talked to after she passed was my sponsor.... Continue Reading
Being active in food addiction kept me from really living a full life and having deep meaningful relationships with people. I preferred to have relationships with characters on TV or random people I met while traveling. I never had a committed, healthy romantic relationship before I came to FA. Truthfully, I am not sure why. Maybe I was afraid of getting hurt, hurting someone else, or being abandoned. I thought nobody would really love me if they got to know me. Food was my closest companion and it kept me isolated. Then I got abstinent, my heart opened and softened, and I fell in love and got married. Boom! All was perfect, right? Wrong! There were so many times I wanted to run, not into someone else’s arms, but to my old life of living by myself. It was quieter, simpler, and easier. But I knew it was just my... Continue Reading
I met someone at a workshop and asked her how she was losing weight. She invited me to meet her at an FA meeting in Encino, CA. At the meeting, I didn’t hear anything except that I would have to give up flour and sugar and weigh and measure my food. I said, “That’s not for me,” and when the meeting ended, I left. During that week, I thought about my beloved foods and consumed them in mass quantities. Just the thought of giving them up increased my craving and desire for them. At the end of that week, I was in a lot of bodily pain and went to my chiropractor. I thought I might have fibromyalgia or another illness. The doctor said that if he didn’t know better, he would swear that I had been eating a lot of flour and sugar. That was it! I realized what... Continue Reading
As I look at my computer keyboard, I can’t help but notice the keys named “option” and “command.” I look at these keys many times during the day, and I always think about my life choices before FA and my choices now that I am in FA recovery. When I first came into FA, I heard many of my sponsor’s “suggestions” as commands. She advised me on how to food shop, what type of food scale to buy, how to weigh and measure my food, what times to eat my meals, and what meetings to go to. She asked me to call her at exactly a certain time, and advised that I take 30 minutes of quiet time, make phone calls, and follow other tools of the program. So commanding, I thought. Before FA, I could not stop eating when I wanted to stop eating, not for one day, not... Continue Reading
Before Program I just wouldn’t open the mail it if it looked unpleasant. One time I got some mail that I think was saying that I was supposed to go to court. I’m not sure, because I just tossed it and then I binged and purged until my mind was blown. Months later, my disability payments got shut off. I had gotten a felony charge because I had not shown up to court. Now when I go to answer the mail, I still get a leap of fear in my heart, probably because I’m still new at opening it. My sponsor in FA says that she checks her mail every day. Oh God! No way, I thought. But I can’t let fear rule my life anymore. It will send me back to the food. So I try to say a little prayer and go to gratitude. So today I went to check the mail. I took... Continue Reading
