As a child, I was chubby and suffered from extreme fear, doubt, and insecurity. I have a history of sexual abuse by my father, but that isn’t why I ate the way I did. What I have learned is that no one is to blame for my food addiction. I have a disease that is physical, mental, and spiritual; and it led me down a path of self destruction. Adolescence was hard for me. I lived in books and films and spent a lot of time eating at the movies and in front of the television set. I just wanted to drift away and feel good all the time. I “became” characters from the books I read and the movies I saw; my biggest obsession was Marilyn Monroe. I always felt fat and “less than”, except when I was caught up in a role. I became bulimic at age 13.... Continue Reading
I have come to like hiking in the mountains. It is no longer an obsessed struggle against my body weight in a search for a better body feeling, or a desire for a “legal” intake of food in order to reward an excess amount of exercise. In abstinence, hiking for me is getting into a rhythm of breathing and slow, rhythmic walking. It is almost meditative. On this particular day in early September, it had been snowing for the first time in the mountains, where I spent my vacation. I decided to do a medium-sized hiking tour to a mountain peak, which can be reached over a long, stretched trail on a crest, providing a gorgeous view over the alps. I had packed my weighed and measured lunch and planned to eat it upon arrival in the lobby of a restaurant on top of the mountain. I walked slowly, enjoying... Continue Reading
September I always loved school. I loved learning, and shopping for all the new school clothes. But I hated having to buy clothes in sizes that were bigger than last year. When I became a teacher, it was very depressing trying to find anything to wear because I continued to get bigger and bigger. It was the perfect month to “start a new diet”—a fresh school year, and a fresh start at my attempt to lose weight. October Halloween is the first of the year’s events that I think of as the food addict’s “Trifecta,” a term used in horseracing in which a bettor wins by selecting the first three finishers of a race in the correct order of finish. Halloween has always been a favorite holiday for me, not only because of the sweets. I love disguises and costumes, but I could never fit into any of the good-looking costumes... Continue Reading
Summer. Season of fun, right? At a little over 5’3″ tall and at least 170 pounds, summer fun was not as simple as all that. There was always the question of what to wear, for instance. In New England, summers are hot and sticky. If I decided to dress appropriately for the weather, I had to endure the pain of my thighs rubbing together, or walk like a penguin to keep them apart. If I couldn’t face the pain or the penguin walk, I had to decide between my black jeans, my dark blue jeans, or my dark green jeans. No matter what I chose to wear from the waist down, I always wore the same huge, black, tattered T-shirt that made me feel thin as it billowed around me. Swimming was its own story, of course. To wear a bathing suit or not? I lived in an area where... Continue Reading
Thanks to this wonderful program, I spent this past summer in a bikini, traveling to Mexico with a fellow. We danced on top of a boat to oldies and pumpin’ music. We hung out in our bikinis all day long, every day. It was hot and muggy and I was loving it, because parts of my body that used to chafe in the heat no longer touch. You see, when I was a teenager, my dad took me to Greece every summer. Huge blessing! I had amazing summers in Greece. We would walk and walk, visiting the ancient sights of the Oracle at Delphi or the ancient theater of Epidauros. We’d stroll all evening amongst the whitewashed buildings and marble streets. It was heaven. What my dad doesn’t know is that I had to have my plus-size aunt buy me cotton biker-shorts underwear, made for overweight people, to wear under... Continue Reading
