I had bought four tickets to a summer concert for my husband, my two adult sons, and me. On the concert day, my sons became unexpectedly detained and both were unable to go, with their cancellation calls coming only an hour before the concert. I had feelings of disappointment from my unrealistic expectation that the evening should have been a wonderful family get-together, and I even blamed my sons for their thoughtlessness. My emotions were misdirected and wrong, just as they always were before Program, but at least now I could recognize my foolish ways! I could and would certainly have a wonderful time with my husband at the concert and didn’t need to feel incomplete without my sons. As I walked up to the ticket area, I saw two women scrambling for their wallets to buy tickets. I walked over, gave them the two extra tickets, and told them... Continue Reading
“I received orders for a year in Bahrain,” he said to me. My husband serves in the U.S. Navy and was up for new orders. My heart stopped. To think we’d be apart for a whole year was so upsetting to me. We had just gotten married. “But that’s so far away,” I responded. Trying to make me feel more comfortable with the situation, he said, “You could probably come visit me during your summer vacation.” Instead of responding out of anxiety, I took a breath and became quiet. I was trying to figure out if the visit was even possible. I had just gotten my first passport, but I hadn’t ever used it. Aside from visiting Canada when I was three years old, and a day and a half of intoxication in Canada when I was 18 (before passports were required), I had never even left the country. Eight... Continue Reading
I always resented being fat. I never fully accepted responsibility for what I put in my mouth and how it showed up on my body. All my life I had been told that I was “statuesque,” “big-boned,” and had “child-bearing hips.” My mother was overweight, and so was her mother, and I was told that heavy women run in our family. It really didn’t seem to me as though I could do anything about my weight. So I ate to numb the pain of the rough hand life had dealt me. At age 55, standing 5’7” tall and weighing around 270 pounds, I really resented the doctor telling me I was morbidly obese, that the knee replacement surgery I had hoped for to cure my arthritis could not be done unless I lost some weight, that I was pre-diabetic, and probably had sleep apnea. I also suffered from a litany... Continue Reading
I clearly remember my first day of “abstinence.” I was 370 pounds and desperate to be free from the spiritually deadening confines of my food addiction. I was getting to the point where I was ashamed even to walk outside of my house; ashamed to be seen. I had a protective wall up against the world. I didn’t really know at the time that my misery was connected to food. I still thought food was a comfort, a secret sanctuary that I could use to soothe myself through the stresses of the day. But it was a lie. I went to an FA meeting and readily obtained a sponsor, who I had known from AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). She was a tiny woman, but was large in love and concern for me. She was fierce and straightforward, and I didn’t know how to deal with her. She had taken me to... Continue Reading
Have I always been a food addict? I do not know. I do know that as a scrawny little kid, I was afraid of everything and felt alone in my large family of eight. I do remember stealing $20 from my mother’s purse to buy sweets at the corner store. A sister, who was a year older than I and the favorite of my mother and father, suddenly and unexpectedly died from influenza in 1954. Devastated by their loss, my parents were no longer able to function as parents. At the age of six, I had to quickly learn how to take care of myself as well as my six siblings. Staying alive became the focus of my life. I developed a list of things I could do and how to “be” in order to survive, and I began playing a role rather than being the person I was meant... Continue Reading
