I felt abandoned and frightened when my brother was born. When I was growing up, plotting ways to hurt him fueled my whole being. After all, he took mother’s attention away from me. I would start fights with him, and my mother would intervene and give out flour and sugar products to calm us down. This pattern set up many unconscious coping behaviors in my mind. What does this have to do with my current relationship with food? Everything! During one of my AWOLs (a way we study and live the Twelve Steps in recovery), I found out that my overeating and mental obsession with food had deep roots in the feelings of resentment toward being abandoned emotionally by my mother. I unknowingly took it out on my brother for years. When I was little, I knew where mother kept the junk food for herself and the babysitters. I would... Continue Reading
Four years ago, my first FA sponsor suggested that I choose and commit to three meetings per week as part of my recovery program. My addict’s brain defined “commitment” as trapped and over a barrel. I balked, and immediately had an attack of the “whys”: why should I not drop in and out of meetings at my convenience, and why did it matter which meetings I attended. Why did I have to commit, and what difference would it make? My should-be-sainted, patient sponsor gently explained that it had worked for her, and if I wanted what she had… Groan…okay… Still, it took me a long time to grapple with the idea of committed meetings and even longer to work them into my seemingly unique schedule. Thankfully over the past few years, I have gradually come to understand the value of committed meetings. Yes, it does make a difference, and it... Continue Reading
My first 90 days were uneventful, for the most part. The first day, I committed my food to a sponsor and actually only ate what I committed. Astonishing. The next two days, having given up sugar and flour, I was exhausted from lack of my drug. I felt “unplugged.” I remember thinking to myself: was sugar and flour my only fuel? I thought I might fall asleep at the wheel driving to work for the next few days, and I had to place my head on top of my desk at work to catnap. But after about a week of that, I felt better and the food got put in its proper place—as nourishment, not drug abuse. What did not get put in its proper place were my lifelong habits of people pleasing— putting the feelings of others ahead of my own. There were three incidents in a row. The first incident... Continue Reading
I first found out about FA when some friends and I were doing our own “mommy” version of The Biggest Loser. We all had toddlers and babies and felt that if we joined forces in a contest, it might motivate us to lose weight as a group effort. We dieted for ten weeks, each doing our own tricks. The winner dropped about 30 pounds by eating abstinently. None of us could believe how much weight she lost during the time frame! While we were secretly jealous of her enormous weight loss, we all agreed that giving up flour and sugar was completely nuts and were convinced it had to be unhealthy. There was no way I could do such a crazy thing. A few months later, when I became physically unable to walk and had two small children to care for, I changed my mind. Maybe a radical way of... Continue Reading
“That’s enough,” my mother would say as I tried to eat another baked product. We were limited to two or three baked products a day. I wanted more, but my mother knew they weren’t healthy for me, and she had limited funds available for food. I have fond memories of church suppers though, where tables were filled with food, with nobody paying attention to how many trips to the table I made. I am grateful today for my “FA mother”—my sponsor, who tells me when enough is enough. With this guidance, I am now able to attend church suppers and know when to stop. I bring my own weighed and measured food with me. Sure, sometimes there is appropriate food available, but it is not weighed and measured, and I don’t know what little extra ingredients might have been added. Occasionally there is nothing at all on the table that... Continue Reading
