I had a debilitating case of the “when, then” syndrome. When I lose the weight, then (fill in the blank)… I will find my husband, land the job of my dreams, have a large circle of amazing friends and wonderful memories. I kept waiting and waiting, without changing any of my behaviors. Not surprisingly, the weight didn’t fall off, and happiness didn’t show up on my doorstep. I’ve heard in FA that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I definitely felt insane. I was 26 years old, 288 pounds, very unhappy, and in poor health. My resting heart rate was 160. I couldn’t walk up a flight of stairs without being winded. I could no longer cross my legs without having to hold them in place. I tried to avoid, at all costs, going places or attending functions where I... Continue Reading
Since age 14, I’ve gained and lost 20 to 25 pounds many times, always having a closet of clothes ranging in size from skinny jeans to fat pants. My love of sweets and junk food began early, but I was an active kid and ate those things in moderation. Our pantry and freezer looked like a convenience store, with packaged goodies lining the shelf at all times. We grew up eating three square meals made by my mom, and we always had dessert. My parents got divorced when I was in junior high school, and in one semester, my grades plummeted, my weight shot up 20 pounds, I went from cheerleader-dating-the-quarterback to drinking and smoking and eating. Thus began my pattern of dealing with life by overeating and engaging in other self-destructive behaviors. If I had a dollar for the number of times family and friends, over the years, heard... Continue Reading
I never in a million years thought that I would be walking through so many changes in my life. I never thought that I would be relieved of the 130 pounds that were keeping me from living life. Above all, I never thought that I’d be writing about it more than three-and-a-half years later, still standing, and still thin. Before I “came to” in FA, I was a walking zombie. I was living all of the clichés that one hears prior to joining Program. I was living to eat. I would pray that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning, because I just could not face another day. My coping mechanisms were reduced to eating away my pain with anything that I could get my hands on to numb my negative emotions. When I was happy, I ate anyway, because I wanted to prolong the feeling, only to later crash... Continue Reading
My daughter’s thirtieth birthday was earlier this month, and she wanted a special family birthday. She asked me to invite the whole family for the entire day to celebrate, play board games, watch home movies, hang out, and eat family meals together. Although I usually serve guests the same food as I eat, this time I did end up cooking two other special dishes for my family. They finished one of the dishes, but there were leftovers of a special Jewish dish that was a tradition in my family when I was growing up. When everyone left that evening, I kept asking them to take the leftovers, but they did not. There I was with the leftover dish. I stood in my kitchen with thoughts racing in my head about maybe freezing it, or using it as a base for something that I could cook for my family. I even... Continue Reading
In the beginning of my recovery in FA, everything was about my sponsor and me. I felt like a kite that could soar and ride the wind, safe in the knowledge that my sponsor held my tail string tightly in her hand. I was connected to her, and connected to the greater FA fellowship through her. She nurtured and guided me, and I ranked her as a “higher power.” Then came the day when that connection broke. My sponsor was no longer able to be a sponsor. Up to that time, I had simply followed her suggestions. I had not had to think or act on my own behalf because she held the reins. It felt scary to separate from her, and I did know if my recovery could survive beyond my relationship with the person who had initiated my FA journey. I now had to be responsible for myself, to... Continue Reading
