Around eight years ago, I found out that I had to undergo surgery. Although considered a relatively minor procedure, it involved general anesthesia, and at 218 pounds, I was really scared. In my mind, losing weight was not even an option, even though I desperately wanted to lose weight. I could not figure out how to put the food down. After decades of trying a whole variety of diets, I had given up. But I was starting to feeling circulatory problems, like neck tightness and shooting arm numbness. I was bartering with G-d on a daily basis: “G-d, just let me live to see my daughter graduate from college,” I would pray. I knew that something was really wrong. I just took aspirin. There was no point in seeing a doctor, I thought, because I knew what she/he would say: “Lose weight!” Well, if I could have figured out how... Continue Reading
Today I got angry because a package was delivered later than I expected, and I acted abstinently, thanks to FA. Instead of writing an impulsive and angry email, I took quiet time. Then the doorbell rang and it was the package. I thanked the people who delivered it and felt a sense of dignity. I did not act upon my angry impulse. I acted abstinently. Food is not calling to me anymore. It has nothing to offer me. I surrender upcoming resentments, self-pity, and fear to immediate prayer. My life has surely changed. In the past, I had numerous visits to dentists, who started to look at me somewhat strangely. I experienced frequent stomach, throat, and bowel inflammations. One day I spent a hundred marks within a few hours just for food, while my bills sat unpaid. I spent desperate hours in movie theaters, where I sat alone and silently... Continue Reading
I remember clearly the first time I heard someone in the fellowship of FA speak the words, “Don’t eat no matter what; no matter what, don’t eat.” I also recall thinking, That was easy for her to say; it would take a miracle for me to be in that place. But, one day at a time, miracles like that happen in this program. Before I came into this program I ate no matter what! Every emotion, every crisis, every concern, was my perfect excuse to put something in my mouth, hoping to rid myself of any uncomfortable feelings. The absence of difficult experiences often caused me to eat even larger quantities. Boredom sent me to the cupboard and the pantry, and I would end each day feeling more and more self-hatred, shame, and regret. Negativity and self-pity were ever-present, and I often forgot to be grateful for the many blessings... Continue Reading
I was out of control! I binged to soothe my hurt feelings and I binged to celebrate the good stuff. Nothing ever completely satisfied me, so even my celebrations ended in frustration. I came into Program when I was 42 years old. I weighed 271 pounds and had tantrums. I would keep my cool as best as I could in public and in my job. But, the ones I loved the most—my husband and my three precious boys, were the ones who heard the screaming fits, and saw the emotional, all-over-the place tantrums. Now four years later, I hope they are seeing and experiencing a different wife and a different mother, one who wears the weight of the world like a loose garment and not one who melts down like a two-year old. I hope they see what I feel—someone who is in recovery, on a beautiful journey with... Continue Reading
At my first FA meeting almost eight years ago, I was struck by a comment in the reading that this was a “disease of isolation,” and that through our daily call to our sponsor and outreach calls to fellows, the telephone serves as a tool for support. When I first came into Program, I was desperate. I felt alone, helpless, and hopeless over this disease. My sponsor urged me to use the phone to reach out and talk to others in FA. But I didn’t know what to say when I called. What do I say, “Hi, this is Connie, and I am fat, lonely, angry?” It felt so foreign to call anyone, let alone strangers, to talk about problems. Ask for help? Are you kidding? I was desperate, so I did what was suggested. My sponsor taught me to build a list of folks in various time zones and... Continue Reading
