Every Wednesday I took the train from work directly to my illustrating class at a prestigious art school. (The fact that I signed up for the class was totally God). I ate my weighed and measured dinner in the common area, which had tables and chairs, an open area for displaying various student art projects, and a ping pong table. Often there would be students playing ping pong. And just as often, the ball would bounce on the tables near me or under my table. I was rather uncomfortable with this, as it conjured up the idea that I might have to interact with the players, not to mention the fact that I thought it might knock over my water or land in my food. One evening, as I was eating my meal and reading the funnies in the newspaper, a ball bounced on my table and came dangerously close... Continue Reading
One of my good college friends had a bachelorette weekend in CA when I was two years into Program. Little did I know that it would be an illegal drug/smoking fest. And I hadn’t guessed that this would be the weekend when some of my friends thought it would be good to confront me about my “problem” with food (i.e., their “concern” for me being in Program). Little did they know that this program was saving my life. Before FA, I was 165 pounds, exercising for more than three hours a day, and wasn’t losing weight. I had tried many free diets because I was too financially insecure to pay for anything. When I was in college, whenever I was numb, bored, or overwhelmed, I would sit and read with my hand in a bag and stuff my mouth, not even knowing how much I had consumed until there was... Continue Reading
I have been in FA for almost nine years. I come from the madness of 20 years of either overeating, bulimia, or controlled eating, and I had had enough. It was suggested that I go to AA, which was a bit of a joke, as I only drank a bit in the evenings and got a bit drunk at parties. Amazingly, I was open to it, as I realized that deep down I had issues with alcohol. But I soon realized that it was food that was my problem. I was encouraged to go to Overeaters Anonymous, but could not manage there without strict boundaries around food. During that time, I experienced more ups and downs than I could imagine. I thought that when I stopped eating addictively, embraced this program, and did God’s will instead of my own, then all would be well. How could it not? Surely, being honest,... Continue Reading
Being 50 pounds overweight was a huge part of the reason I felt like I didn’t fit in, but I found out, after joining FA, that it wasn’t the only reason. What I know now is that I had the disease of fear, doubt, and insecurity, and no matter what I did or said, I just felt like I was dumb and wrong about everything. Nothing I said or did was worthwhile or enough. In FA I found out that this way of thinking is extreme self-centered fear—thinking nothing of myself, but thinking about myself all the time. If I dared to show up to a social event, I was positive that everyone had me under a microscope and was analyzing my body, my words, and my every breath. I even thought that people could read my mind! I was so critical and judgmental of others because of how poorly... Continue Reading
When I was a kid, Halloween was one of the greatest opportunities for a binge. My mother always got Halloween treats, to hand out to children in the neighborhood, that nobody in my family particularly liked so that my sisters and I would not binge on our own stash. Every year, she put the candy in the same huge brown wooden salad bowl (I can still picture it). And every year, I remember eating all of the candy I collected in a pillowcase after walking around the neighborhood for hours on end. Immediately upon arriving home, I would start with my favorites, and then eventually resort to the things I did not like but couldn’t help eating. After that, I always headed for the treats that were left over in the bottom of the salad bowl. I still remember the nauseated, stuffed feeling I had every year, and the bafflement... Continue Reading
