As soon as my twin baby girls were big enough to eat bite-sized food with their fingers, but before they could talk, they developed that peculiar toddler tendency of urgently thrusting food up to my mouth and offering to feed it to me. My refrains of, “No, you eat it,” and, “No thank you,” were starting to wear thin. I was in danger of feeling sorry for myself for continually having to rebuff their adorable, well-meaning efforts to share food with me and connect in that way. One day God graced me with a solution that completely reframed the meaning of their gesture. Now, when they hold their food up to me with an expectant look, instead of assuming they’re saying, “Mommy, do you want to eat this?” I assume they’re saying, “Mommy, what’s this called?” I joyfully name that food. How do they respond? They pop it into their... Continue Reading
I recently was at a birthday party for my oldest grandson. My daughter’s house was full of family and friends. My niece, who might be a food addict, is not interested in recovery at this time in her life (I sure wasn’t at 27 either). She can be difficult. In a room full of people, my niece said to me, “I could smack you for interrupting me again. You always are interrupting me!” I looked at her and thought she was showing no respect for me, and I was mad. In the past I would have said something to her to “set her straight.” I wanted to say something to my daughter, my sister (her mother), and anyone who would listen, about this rude behavior. I wanted to play the victim, but I did nothing except smile and walk out of the room to make a call to an FA... Continue Reading
I had 25 minutes to get to my doctor’s appointment across town. I decided the bus was faster than taking the subway. My lighter body took me to the bus stop quickly. Having lost 96 pounds, running felt so good that I kept running. Well, I got to the bus stop, but the bus was late. I was disappointed. I waited. When the driver finally arrived, he announced that he wanted to take a five-minute break. I thought, “A break! I have to be somewhere!” So I took off running to the subway. As pedestrians started to blur and sirens screamed past, a small thought whispered: Is this abstinent behavior? Am I getting a high from all of my hurrying? I got off the subway and ran four blocks uphill. Sweaty and out of breath, I arrived at the building just as the bus rolled by. Easy does it never... Continue Reading
I was born the oldest child of four, and the only daughter. I always felt like I did not fit in anywhere. I was not overweight, but I was made to feel that I was. When I look back at pictures, I see that I was healthy, but not overweight. My parents were very hard on me, especially my father. I was now told I was lazy, stupid, and ugly. Home with the folks I had to repeat grade one, since the teacher told my parents I could not read. In my second year in grade one, the teacher suggested to my parents that my eyes should be tested. It turned out that I had a severe stigmatism and could not see. But the script was written for me. I was constantly reminded at home that I was lazy and stupid. I did not have many friends and never seemed... Continue Reading
One aspect of my food addiction is obsession with weight and thinness. Before coming into FA, I was never satisfied with myself, even when my weight was normal (which was maybe for a week or two). I was unhappy because my stomach stuck out. In the beginning of my recovery, when I was 27 years old, I lost too much weight. I can admit to that now, but at the time, I thought it was the greatest thing in the world. I was 5′ 5″ tall and got down to about 113 pounds. I looked like a teenage boy, with no body curves. I remember sitting next to a friend in my AWOL meeting and gloating about how wonderful I felt in such a thin body. She turned to me and said, in no uncertain terms, “That’s not attractive!” I just blew it off, dismissing her words. Thank God that woman eventually became my... Continue Reading
