Like many people, I grew up celebrating holidays and family gatherings around an elaborate dinner table. I also celebrated birthdays, promotions, and various “wins” with special treats. I drowned my wounded heart and life’s other disappointments with nights out on the town. My thinking was so backwards that I used food items to reward myself for successfully staying on my diet. Inevitably, however, I would give up on the diet and go straight for the treats. Needless to say, I was not a successful dieter. After 20 years of using food as the ultimate reward, my eating was on autopilot, and it brought me no pleasure. I ate even when my eating became a form of torture, because I would berate myself after every binge and every failed decision to eat better. I was humiliated as I tried to fit in chairs, buckle seatbelts, and complete other tasks people under... Continue Reading
I walked through the doors of FA almost 5 years ago weighing 271 lbs. on a 5 ft. 4 frame and feeling so miserable, helpless, and hopeless that I didn’t want to live. I got a sponsor the very first night not knowing anything about strong programs, abstinence, or even food addiction. I just wanted to lose weight and thought that would be the solution to all my problems. I called my sponsor who had a strong successful program for 18 months and I did lose weight, 146 lbs. of it! I went from a size 24W to a size 4. During this part of my journey I kept secrets! Some secrets involved measuring my food sloppily or using spices that were not suggested. I eventually became honest about these after weeks of harboring them and would start back to Day One. This happened four or five times but there... Continue Reading
Since coming into FA 11 years ago, my relationships have undergone many adjustments, all for the better. Prior to FA, my treatment of my parents could most aptly be described as neglectful; I did not have any interest in them. It did not occur to me that they might like to be kept apprised of my activities, whereabouts, concerns, interests, friends, boyfriends, or dreams. Perhaps this is because, to a large extent, my goals in life were of the short-term variety. From the time that I left home at 19 to go to college, I was focused mostly on being thin and cool. I figured my parents did not want to hear about my obsession with exercising, which I hoped would eliminate any extra pounds. A tragedy for me, at that stage in life, would be the inability to slip into my favorite pair of black faux-satin pants that always... Continue Reading
When I finally surrendered to the FA program, I was truly beaten down. I was bingeing on mass quantities of food, and I was purging, through vomiting and laxatives. I was actually not overweight; I was probably underweight, but I thought I looked fine. My life looked pretty good: good job, faithful husband, healthy child, and nice home, but I felt crazy. I was very close to losing it all. I had tried to work the FA program every way but the way it was passed down to me. Nothing I was doing worked. Things finally got so bad that I knew I had to just do it. My first day of abstinence was the day I stepped into my first AWOL to study the Twelve Steps. I was willing to follow the Program, but I was not at all happy. I hated everyone in that room (and there were... Continue Reading
Before FA, when I weighed 50 pounds more than I do now, I made up hundreds of excuses for why I couldn’t go places. Most likely the truth was that I couldn’t find anything to wear and felt horrible about the way I looked. The times I did pry myself off my behind, it took what seemed like hours to get ready. It would start with the mask of makeup and hairspray to try to deflect any attention away from my body. I thought that if I spent enough time on my face and hair, then maybe no one would notice how large I was from the neck down. Then it was off to the closet to put on the “uniform.” I had plenty of couch clothes, but only one or two outfits that I wore to go out. They usually were made up of a black blazer that had... Continue Reading
