In my young life, I was the one who was seen as the problem. If I was uncomfortable, I spoke up. My family did not want to hear it. I turned to the food for the comfort and nurturing that was absent at home. If I was afraid of getting my share, I complained, and did so loudly. When I wanted more, I spoke up. If I didn’t get what I wanted by asking, I found another way to get it. One time, as a teenager, my family overheard me talking in my sleep, saying “I want extra!” At the time, it was a big joke to them, but a humiliation to me. Now I know that I was a food addict then, just as much as I am now. I had no idea when enough was enough. This was true with the food, but also with anything else that... Continue Reading
This disease, gosh! I have been abstinent just over four years now and I was completely caught off guard and truly humbled by the most powerful flare up of my disease I have had to date. I came into program at the age of 22 having spent about 10 years fighting my weight, dieting and gaining the same 10-15 pounds over and over. I could never figure out what was wrong with me that I couldn’t just put food on my plate and “eat it like a normal person”. I always wanted to eat the way we do in FA, but I was terrified it would make me fat, since I wasn’t used to eating normal quantities of healthy food at a time. Instead, I would restrict my food all week, binge on the weekends when no one was looking use laxatives, abuse colonics, drink copious amounts of diet soda... Continue Reading
The hardest thing about the first 90 days in FA was every single part of it – the readings, the phone calls, the agonizing stretch of time between breakfast and lunch. I would have never suffered through those indignities had it not been a matter of life and death for me. It was. The week before I came into FA, I was prepared to end my life by jumping off a bridge onto a 4-lane highway. I figured if the fall didn’t kill me, the fast moving traffic would take care of the rest. Every day while commuting over the bridge, I pictured the scenario in my mind. I imagined climbing over the railing, feeling the wind shake my balance, summoning the courage to lean forward and let go. I felt a rush of relief each time I ran through the fantasy. I never once considered the damage a 130-pound falling body... Continue Reading
My FA journey started when I was living in a small fly-in Inuit community in Nunavut called Arctic Bay, which is located on the most northerly tip of Baffin Island. I had just returned back from my home in Edmonton, Alberta, where I had met with my family doctor. I told her I thought that I had arthritis in my knees, because I could not raise myself from the floor to a chair without pushing myself up on a chair. She told me, “You don’t have arthritis. You are too fat.” At 5’6” tall, I weighed 221 pounds (about 100 kilos). She also told me, “You can either lose weight or go on insulin for the rest of your life. What do you want to do?” Then she told me about FA saying, “It’s hard, but it works.” I went to my first meeting that night and found a temporary... Continue Reading
It was the day after my latest “first share”–that share after 90 days of back-to-back abstinence. I was in the grocery story buying food for the next day’s meals. I was stressed, I was in a rush, and I was determined to buy the perfect apple. The fruit specialist in this fancy grocery store offered to help by cutting a slice and offering it to me. A few thoughts immediately fired in rapid succession. Oh no! No need to waste a good apple and then How nice of him to do this for me followed by Oooohh, a taste test! I said, “Okay!” and proceeded to eat the slice. It was perfect. Then he offered another slice which I proceeded to eat. I thanked him, bagged my apples, went to the dairy section, selected my items, went to the check-out line, and then gasped when I realized what I had... Continue Reading
