Posts about Struggling

Back to Basics

90 days. 3 months. 13 weeks. 129600 minutes. 270 meals. 39 meetings. The last 90 days have been a whirlwind. You see, this isn’t my first encounter with the rooms of FA.  A friend introduced me over two years ago and I instantly fell in love. I had found what I didn’t know I was looking for. I loved the idea of the support and accountability. I saw members of my fellowship with a peace about their lives. I saw before-pictures that were similar to mine. Most of all, I heard my story. I had thought I was the only one.  I was not.  (I am not and you aren’t either.)  I found a sponsor and started on this journey not knowing what to expect. I didn’t expect to feel good about myself. I didn’t expect to stand in the front of the room and share. I didn’t expect to... Continue Reading



Acceptance is Key

My sponsor asked me, “What does it really mean to be a food addict?” I gritted my teeth and felt a wave of irritation. If my sponsor knew what it meant to be a food addict, then why didn’t she tell me! I hate when people ask me a question when they know the answer. I felt a sense of failure and hopelessness. Why wasn’t I getting it? I had been in FA for a few months, and the program seemed demanding and difficult. All I ever seemed to do was chop up vegetables, weigh my food, and go to meetings. I had no time for anything else. My relationship with my sponsor was also awkward and painful. I felt all of my insecurities and fears rising up. I already thought that I wasn’t good enough, and suddenly there was this question again: “What does it mean to be a... Continue Reading



A Good, Solid Start

Completing my first 90 days is a true miracle, especially considering this is my second time through the program! Last summer, I reached my highest weight, but I was content with life, or at least that’s what I told myself. I was running my own business, but I felt uncomfortable presenting and being on video because of my weight, even though this was essential for my business success. I knew I had to lose weight, but I didn’t know how. Prior to FA, I was a vegan or vegetarian for years, I followed Macrobiotic diets, and I even went to Weight Watchers—all with short term success. One day I saw a friend who had lost a lot of weight and asked what she was doing. She described FA in such vivid detail that I was hooked instantly. I didn’t hear the parts about attending three meetings or calling people. All... Continue Reading



A Cynic’s Journey

This is my fifth attempt at my first 90 days. So many describe their experience as a moment of epiphany (often some sort of “bottoming-out” experience) followed by a headlong dive into the program. These “all in” folks seem fueled by trust and fervent commitment. They’ve given their will a kick in the pants and turned themselves over to their sponsor for guidance and their God for spiritual sustenance. I am not one of those people; my journey has been that of a cynic. Having tested and re-tested all of the homilies of the program and tried every-which-way to torque the program to my needs, I have finally — first in the dim recesses of my mind, then in the new energy and health of my body, and, most powerfully, in the new calm and joy in my spirit— finally come to accept the wisdom of each tool and each... Continue Reading



A Psychic Change

I had lost almost 135 pounds. Then, sitting at one of my committed FA meetings, I obsessed about food to the point that I entertained the thought of stopping by the local Foster’s Freeze on the way home. I did not, but the next day, I was still struggling with the food obsession, still trying to force the thoughts out of my mind. I did not turn to my higher power and my fellows. Instead, I ran errands on my lunch break and ended up buying a sugar item that opened the door to more flour and sugar items during the rest of the day and into the evening. As I journaled about it later that night, I realized I have been afraid of what “recovery” would look like. I imagined that recovery would mean taking responsibility for myself.  This would include reaching out for the help I need as... Continue Reading