I couldn’t stop. Mind you, I thought I could. I would get a few days, even weeks of abstinence—not surrendered abstinence, but I would get excited and hopeful, telling you how much better it was this time, how this was it. I was done with the food. I would have some revelation from the last binge that I was sure would break through my pattern. Now I was ready to stay abstinent, no matter what. This conviction lasted until some feeling came up that I was convinced I could not live through, and perhaps more honestly, did not want to live through. Loneliness, fear, insecurity, doubt, any or all could feel overwhelming. I would rush to the store for my familiar binge foods. I would chew and spit out the foods, not swallowing, but chewing and tasting, in denial that it was “so bad,” because my weight did not change... Continue Reading
I have a special affection for using the tool of writing on a daily basis. Writing works to get me back on track when I am feeling off center. It always brings me into contented abstinence and serenity. It quells the drive to become frantic when my thinking becomes muddled and confused. In my disease days, I would quell my frantic energy with a “snack” that would turn into a binge. I almost always chose sugar and flour items to numb my thinking and my feelings. I would then end up in front of the TV with a cheesy talk show and pretend I was watching, while I was really planning the trail back to the kitchen for my next food item to consume. This behavior led to a weight gain of 40 pounds more than I am now, asthma, bulimia, anorexia, and obsessive-compulsive thinking. I was not free to... Continue Reading
When I was growing up in California, Mom couldn’t cook meals fast enough and my older brothers sometimes ate food off my plate. It felt to me like there was never enough food. I came to FA for the first time four years ago, after hearing about the program from a friend, who had lost 80 pounds. I raised my hand at a meeting, dutifully identified myself as a food addict (at 235 pounds), worked the food plan faithfully for six months, and lost 72 pounds. I didn’t really believe I was a food addict and ended up leaving FA over resentments against my sponsor. I firmly believed that FA was just too hard. The truth was that I wanted to go back out and eat “normal” food. Armed with my newfound knowledge of the evils of flour, sugar, and quantities, surely I would be “just fine.” Well, two years later, I gained... Continue Reading
I found FA just before my 30th birthday. My top weight was in the high 180s, which I thought I carried fairly well on my 5’ 6” body. But, I definitely prefer my current weight of 125. My story is not one of immediate willingness or of continuous abstinence. I feel truly grateful for my recovery today because I know I could have been one of the many people who picked up that first bite and never made it back. For as long as I can remember, food has been very important to me. I felt ashamed about how I ate, so I would try to hide it from other people as much as I could. I stole money from my parents to buy sugary treats. I hid in my closet, eating my Halloween and Easter goodies, as well as my sister’s, if I could get away with it. Sugar... Continue Reading
I wanted to be “normal” in my eating. Why should it be a problem when I ate pretty much what I wanted throughout my teenage and early adult years? I may have had some heavy weight gain here and there, but never serious enough to consider my eating a problem. I just needed to back away from the table. I remember my prayer to God after I was so through with myself for not keeping the weight off. At one point, I weighed 230 pounds. I fasted (not eating anything) for one full day, prayed, and turned it over to God. Then I attended my first FA meeting. I was ready to start that night. There was nobody available to sponsor, so the friend who brought me told me she would talk to her sponsor about sponsoring me. I got her phone number, went to the store, and began my... Continue Reading
