If not now, when? That was the question that came to mind as I sat alone facing one more “day one.” I had experienced eight months of relapse, and when I looked back, I could not recall one meaningful thing from those long months. All I had known was a constant struggle with food and weight. It was lonely and quiet in my apartment in way that was hard for me to tolerate. I was at a crossroads. I felt the cravings start to rise, and I wondered if I was really going to be dragged to the store by disease, again. “Just one more time,” is what my disease told me. At that point, I had heard that phrase and believed it hundreds of times. In pain and fear of what yet another binge would do to me, I dropped to my knees and prayed. All I could say... Continue Reading
I have always been single and independent, and I thought I was “terminally unique.” I came into FA, got abstinent right away, and starting working the program. As time went by, I became more and more unwilling to share what was going on with my life. I had a couple of breaks in abstinence in FA, which I considered minor, because each time I slipped, I started back the very next day. I released about 65 pounds, studied the Twelve Steps in an AWOL meeting, went to meetings, called my sponsor, and had sponsees. I had arrived. But I wasn’t weighing and measuring with vigilance. Whether my scale said 4.1 or 5.9, I thought, What’s the big difference? I wasn’t taking a full 30 minutes of quiet time every day, I made calls—on occasion, I didn’t share what was really going on for me, and I prayed without intention. I... Continue Reading
A few years ago, I left FA for five months after being abstinent for almost six years, and being in recovery from food addiction for more than 11 years. It was a failed experiment at doing things my own way, but it taught me a valuable lesson: that I had never fully surrendered to FA and that I needed to do so, so I wouldn’t keep leaving and eating. How had I never really surrendered to the FA program in almost six years of doing it and looking like I was surrendered? Well, some of it boiled down to negativity. I complained to myself constantly about meetings. Most of the shares seemed boring and repetitive. I didn’t want to hear from people who were doing FA differently from me; newcomers aggravated me with their own difficulties and complaints about FA. Intergroup was a waste of one Sunday a month. Sponsoring... Continue Reading
I think I knew I was a food addict before I was willing to accept it. My acceptance came in the front seat of a Honda, as I stuffed as many baked goods into my mouth as I could as I drove away from a celebration at my friend’s house. She had packed me a “care package” that I demolished in the 15-minute ride home. I was four weeks into a decision to leave Program. I’d been in Program for over a year and knew it was the place for me. Giving up eating the way I had been eating was really hard for me. Although I was abstinent in the beginning, I soon began to have breaks and then lied about those breaks. In my mind, I rationalized that I was losing weight, and wasn’t that my ultimate goal? But after a while, I couldn’t live with my lying... Continue Reading
I was searching for a solution to get out of my obese body. I tried injections, ate raw eggs, drank oil and milk three times a day, and went on a grapefruit diet. I tried a wine diet, where I drank one glass of wine three times a day. One last thing my doctor suggested was that I should wire my teeth and have liquid food through a straw. I am diabetic type 2. My doctor warned me I could lose my legs or I could become blind. My mother was diabetic and died at the age of 50. My father was diabetic, refused to have treatment, and died in his 60s. I joined a health club and decided to become a water aerobics fitness instructor. I also taught dance exercise at a College. I lost weight, became more interested in energy healing, and became a practitioner of Qigong massage,... Continue Reading
