At 58 years old, I believed I had no choice but to die of obesity. I knew I would have a heart attack or a stroke and, if I were lucky, it would be fatal. Or I would eat until I exploded. There was no other way out. I walked into an FA meeting late and sat in the last row, nervous and hopeless. As I sat in my seat the woman next to me gave me a smile. I don’t remember a lot that was said at the meeting but I remember that smile. I felt welcome and at home. I might not remember what was said, but I know I heard hope in that meeting, hope that I didn’t have to die from food addiction, that I had another choice. I learned of another meeting the next night and I committed to someone that I would go. That... Continue Reading
I didn’t come into willingly. I was very angry and full of remorse and resentments. I weighed 347 pounds. However, that was not my top weight. I had been 360 pounds prior to my Vertical Banded Gastroplasty better known as a VBG. I lost 80 pounds in 3 months and it was back before I knew it was ever off my body. The surgeon recommended a support group for all patients who had the weight loss surgery. My life was a mess. I was over indulging in flour and sugar products after exercising vigorously on the elliptical machine. I would be in excruciating pain. Nonetheless, I would go over to the Walgreens and buy six of the sugar products they had on sale. The more exercise I did, the more I ate. I felt like the exercise gave me permission to eat whatever I wanted. One day I met this... Continue Reading
My 90th day of abstinence happened to be on one of the biggest food days of the year, Thanksgiving Day. I have to admit I was a bit fearful going into that Thursday. I am so grateful for my sponsor who reminded me that Thanksgiving is in fact just Thursday. It is another day that I weigh and measure my food and work the tools of the FA program. Thank you God for the reminders I get from my sponsor and from my fellows that there is no answer in the food. Food is no longer for comfort, entertainment, company, relaxation or any of the other nouns I’d use to justify eating addictively. For many years I have struggled with my abstinence and with the willingness to work the FA program. I thought that I could do the things I wanted to do each day and leave the rest. I... Continue Reading
If not now, when? That was the question that came to mind as I sat alone facing one more “day one.” I had experienced eight months of relapse, and when I looked back, I could not recall one meaningful thing from those long months. All I had known was a constant struggle with food and weight. It was lonely and quiet in my apartment in way that was hard for me to tolerate. I was at a crossroads. I felt the cravings start to rise, and I wondered if I was really going to be dragged to the store by disease, again. “Just one more time,” is what my disease told me. At that point, I had heard that phrase and believed it hundreds of times. In pain and fear of what yet another binge would do to me, I dropped to my knees and prayed. All I could say... Continue Reading
I have always been single and independent, and I thought I was “terminally unique.” I came into FA, got abstinent right away, and starting working the program. As time went by, I became more and more unwilling to share what was going on with my life. I had a couple of breaks in abstinence in FA, which I considered minor, because each time I slipped, I started back the very next day. I released about 65 pounds, studied the Twelve Steps in an AWOL meeting, went to meetings, called my sponsor, and had sponsees. I had arrived. But I wasn’t weighing and measuring with vigilance. Whether my scale said 4.1 or 5.9, I thought, What’s the big difference? I wasn’t taking a full 30 minutes of quiet time every day, I made calls—on occasion, I didn’t share what was really going on for me, and I prayed without intention. I... Continue Reading
