As a child I was needy and insecure. My earliest memories are of being filled with fear, doubt, and insecurities. I was never comfortable in my own skin. Although I was loved and well cared for, something was missing inside me. I simply could not get enough. Food played a big role in my family. My stay-at-home-mother cooked and baked, and many family celebrations included lots of great food. Somewhere along the line, I figured out that food helped me feel better and took the edge off. Some of my earliest memories include sneaking home-baked frozen sugar treats from the freezer in the basement, then rearranging the layers, hoping nobody would notice. I played games that involved sugar snacks, and ate forbidden foods until I felt sick. I look at pictures of me growing up, and while I was always conscious of being bigger than my sisters, I was not... Continue Reading
I came into FA two years ago. I knew my relationship with food was warped and that I looked at food differently from the way other people did. I had tried several other Twelve-Step programs that dealt with food and I found some recovery, but never really “got it.” I thought of myself as a compulsive overeater, an emotional eater, and a bulimic. I knew I used food to stuff down feelings. I knew I was powerless over my emotions and the people around me, but I never thought of being powerless over food. It was easier to accept the diagnosis of the medical community that I was over-sensitive, bipolar, and that I needed anti-depressants. The medication helped with the mood swings, but they never helped with how I used food. I came into FA weighing around 367 pounds. The minute I walked into my first meeting, I knew that... Continue Reading
It took me nearly seven months to get my first 90 days of abstinence. I came into FA desperate for help, but not for help with my weight (213.5 pounds and growing). I was resigned to being fat and was even resigned to being unhealthy. But I was not prepared to be crippled, to die, or to leave behind my two little children. And I was not willing to continue to abuse my children with my frustration, hopelessness, and rage. I wanted to change, but I didn’t know how. I ended up at an FA meeting. I was late, shy, and I sat in the back of the room, cringing and covering my face with my hands. Too much of what was said in the front of the room resonated with me and made me uncomfortable. But while I knew very little about FA, I was sure that I knew enough to know that I didn’t want... Continue Reading
I clearly remember my first day of “abstinence.” I was 370 pounds and desperate to be free from the spiritually deadening confines of my food addiction. I was getting to the point where I was ashamed even to walk outside of my house; ashamed to be seen. I had a protective wall up against the world. I didn’t really know at the time that my misery was connected to food. I still thought food was a comfort, a secret sanctuary that I could use to soothe myself through the stresses of the day. But it was a lie. I went to an FA meeting and readily obtained a sponsor, who I had known from AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). She was a tiny woman, but was large in love and concern for me. She was fierce and straightforward, and I didn’t know how to deal with her. She had taken me to... Continue Reading
My first 90 days were uneventful, for the most part. The first day, I committed my food to a sponsor and actually only ate what I committed. Astonishing. The next two days, having given up sugar and flour, I was exhausted from lack of my drug. I felt “unplugged.” I remember thinking to myself: was sugar and flour my only fuel? I thought I might fall asleep at the wheel driving to work for the next few days, and I had to place my head on top of my desk at work to catnap. But after about a week of that, I felt better and the food got put in its proper place—as nourishment, not drug abuse. What did not get put in its proper place were my lifelong habits of people pleasing— putting the feelings of others ahead of my own. There were three incidents in a row. The first incident... Continue Reading
