My son was born almost three years after I came into Program. I had been bulimic for about 12 years prior to my coming into FA. Before I got pregnant, I had some concerns about the impending weight gain and body changes, but I actually loved being pregnant and felt really healthy. The extra weight came off easily after my son was born, and I learned how to adapt my new schedule and responsibilities to fit with the tools and disciplines that supported my recovery. But I had a break in my abstinence when my son was two. I was still using my tools, but not with the same vigor as I had before. I was having a hard time being a parent. I had unrealistic expectations for myself and for my son as well. I slipped into negativity quite frequently and started isolating, even though I was going to... Continue Reading
During one of the sharing sessions at an FA meeting, I heard someone say that she was in the right-size body until her mid-forties, and when she put down cigarettes, she took up food. Oh, I said to myself, what did I put down when I picked up food? All of a sudden, it dawned on me…my husband! Yes, in my mid-forties, when I divorced my husband, I gradually picked up food to quell the gnawing feelings of emotional insecurity, now that I felt I was alone in the world. What a revelation this was for me! I’d spent several years counseling women on adapting to various transitions in life, like divorce, and I thought I had made it through that rough patch myself. However, I used food to treat myself on Friday nights when I felt lonely and, when I was feeling celebratory, I ate and drank wine. I... Continue Reading
Pretty much from the beginning, I had difficulty surrendering to my sponsor’s suggestions. One of the reasons for this is that I had come into FA from other Twelve-Step programs and had been trained in my habits for more than 20 years. “Doing my own thing” began with keeping small secrets, but eventually escalated to a larger scale. When I visited my daughter in another state, I would eat a snack in the movies with my grandchildren, or eat all of something in the refrigerator while my daughter was at work. I would then rush to the market to replace it before my daughter came home. I failed to tell anyone about these things. After a while, my peace of mind and serenity were gone, and I began to feel miserable. During this period, even though I was in severe emotional pain, I continued sponsoring, leading meetings, and even became... Continue Reading
I was 21, bulimic, and beaten by food, but not beaten quite enough to be willing to take suggestions from a sponsor, or anyone else for that matter. I had been “in” the Overeater’s Anonymous (OA) 90-Day program in Boston in the late 80s. I spent three years fighting and, not surprisingly, I continued to binge and purge on a daily basis. I came into FA after struggling with the food for another six years. I do have to say that I had several breaks in the first four years of FA, so I experienced the first 90 days multiple times. I was quite willing in many ways. I got up much earlier than I was used to, called my sponsor on time, followed my food plan and suggested meal times, and drove an hour to the only FA meeting in my area. But unfortunately, I still held onto some... Continue Reading
I couldn’t stop. Mind you, I thought I could. I would get a few days, even weeks of abstinence—not surrendered abstinence, but I would get excited and hopeful, telling you how much better it was this time, how this was it. I was done with the food. I would have some revelation from the last binge that I was sure would break through my pattern. Now I was ready to stay abstinent, no matter what. This conviction lasted until some feeling came up that I was convinced I could not live through, and perhaps more honestly, did not want to live through. Loneliness, fear, insecurity, doubt, any or all could feel overwhelming. I would rush to the store for my familiar binge foods. I would chew and spit out the foods, not swallowing, but chewing and tasting, in denial that it was “so bad,” because my weight did not change... Continue Reading
