A Story of Recovery:

Choosing Freedom

It was day seven and I was sitting at the front desk of a yoga studio fighting cravings like crazy. My job was to check people in to yoga classes and schedule massages, which was about all I could handle after being trapped in food addiction for so long. I thought back to the numerous times that I would be left alone after the rush of students scurrying about, when I could eat without interruption. If the phone rang while I was eating, I’d be angry with the caller, terrified that I’d have to stop and mortified that I might be caught mid-binge. But the fear and shame of being caught in the act of my addiction wasn’t enough to make me stop. I couldn’t stop, even when I wanted to.

One time a health food company gave our yoga studio a huge amount of “healthy” treat samples. We kept a full basket of them on a counter in the front office, and they tortured me. My denial told me that if something was “healthy” or from a health food store, then it wasn’t that bad. Unfortunately, I had recently gained 30 pounds in six weeks by bingeing on those healthy foods that “weren’t that bad.” I was sneaking the samples and eating huge quantities, hoping that no one would notice how many were gone and how many wrappers were in the trash. At one point I confided in a co-worker that I was having trouble staying away from them and I asked her if she would hide them from me for the rest of the afternoon. As soon as she took them away and went to teach her class, I promptly went on a quest to find them and shamefully gobbled them all up.

I can’t explain what was different on this day. Having seven days of abstinence was a huge miracle, but when the studio was quiet, I felt the loneliness and despair start to creep in, which triggered massive cravings. I played out two stories in my mind and realized that I had a choice. I could either plot my next binge, or I could ask for help. It wasn’t complicated, even though my brain wanted to make it so. By the grace of God, I reached out and made a call, asking for help in a more genuine way than I ever had. Knowing that I had to get abstinent in order to have any kind of quality life, the person who answered the phone helped me see that if I chose the food, then I would have to repeat those seven days all over again. They were hard days and I did not want to do them again! But if I chose to have faith, the feelings would pass and I didn’t have to hurt myself with food, and then I would be seven days closer to freedom. I wanted freedom so badly.

That moment marked a huge turning point for me. I could either choose the discomfort of the shame and self-hatred that comes with a binge, or I could choose the discomfort of sitting through a craving or a challenging feeling abstinently. The huge difference is that when I choose the food, I always end up in the same black hole of despair. When I choose abstinence, no matter how uncomfortable the situation is, then I get to eventually experience hope, and to me, that is freedom.