A Story of Recovery:

Clarifying Power

Since coming into FA 11 years ago, my relationships have undergone many adjustments, all for the better. Prior to FA, my treatment of my parents could most aptly be described as neglectful; I did not have any interest in them. It did not occur to me that they might like to be kept apprised of my activities, whereabouts, concerns, interests, friends, boyfriends, or dreams. Perhaps this is because, to a large extent, my goals in life were of the short-term variety.

From the time that I left home at 19 to go to college, I was focused mostly on being thin and cool. I figured my parents did not want to hear about my obsession with exercising, which I hoped would eliminate any extra pounds. A tragedy for me, at that stage in life, would be the inability to slip into my favorite pair of black faux-satin pants that always predicted a wild night at the dance club.

I was even more certain on an unconscious level that my parents would not want to hear about my developing love affair with bulimia. Bulimia was something I felt guilty about, especially the constant wasting of food and money.

Oddly, I also derived a sense of power and identity from my secret relationship with food. I wove endless stories about the tragic nature of my existence. Bulimia and fantasy were fascinating games for me until my life started unraveling. Boyfriends left due to my wild mood swings and bizarre eating and sleep schedules. School became more and more difficult to focus on, because my mind was always off in the clouds, while the rest of me was either bingeing or out on a run to burn off the calories that I wasn’t able to purge.

I was terrified of getting fat. I knew that eating buckets full of food multiple times a day would lead to a phenomenal weight gain if I didn’t stop. I barely had the mental and emotional bandwidth to graduate college, was minimally responsive to boyfriends and friends, and certainly didn’t have the capacity to call my parents or visit them.

From age 19 until 34, when I came into FA, I had minimal contact with my parents. I would occasionally call them and ask them for money when my bulimia, mental illness, and drug abuse would land me in desperate situations. My parents were wonderful. Some people might say that they enabled me, but I look back and realize that their support saved my life.

I was very ill and couldn’t see it. I remember a time when a woman burst into tears when she saw me rifling through the garbage. I didn’t know why she was crying; I was thin! But I gladly took the money she gave me.

Being obsessed with thinness worked to my advantage when I miraculously came to an FA meeting. I saw thin people and wanted to know their secret. The FA members were so kind; I knew that I could trust them. I was gradually able to talk about my self-abusive habits and was able to move in the direction of untangling myself from the behaviors that I had leapt into.

Before FA, I had tried many times to quit bingeing and purging, but on my own I could only hold out for a couple of hours. As I learned how to use the FA tools of recovery, especially phone calls and quiet time, I found that the length of time I could go without bingeing and purging gradually increased. Eventually I was able to maintain continuous abstinence, which is the most important aspect of my life today.

Abstinence sparked a paradigm shift, and all of my values underwent drastic changes. I started to cherish my burgeoning relationships with my FA fellows. This new appreciation for healthy, mutually supportive relationships with people piqued an interest in my parents.

I tentatively started phoning my parents. We learned how to talk to each other. It was awkward, but rewarding. My Higher Power signaled to my heart that I was on the right track, even though a lot of tough feelings emerged, which almost persuaded me to discontinue the contact. However, FA is a program of facing fears, which I believe is why I have been given all of these wonderful tools, such as meetings and phone calls. I am learning that it is okay to become disturbed, because I now know how to stop my negative feelings from escalating.

As the days of abstinence turned into years, my calls with my parents went from once a quarter to once a month to once a week. Eventually, it became obvious in one of my AWOLs (a meeting that focuses on working the Twelve Steps) that it was time to make amends to my parents for neglecting them. By that time, I had been working with my sponsor for years, which was a gift, because she knew me well and was able to help me work through my fear of going back to visit my parents and my childhood home.

That first trip back home was incredibly difficult for emotionally. I think that it had a big impact on my parents as well. As challenging as it was, that first trip back can never be equaled in terms of the healing that took place. Things changed with my parents in a profound way. Our relationship felt much more comfortable after that. I saw them as mom and dad as well as cherished friends. Subsequent trips have been easier. These trips have become events that I seek, rather than ordeals that must be done for the sake of “doing the right thing.”

Recently I talked with my sponsor about an upcoming trip that I would like to take to visit my folks. I mentioned to my sponsor that my mom had suggested that I make some different travel arrangements so that I could stay with them longer. I told my sponsor that I had some reservations about following my mom’s suggestions. My sponsor advised me to pray about it.

I talked to my Higher Power, processed the options with my fellows, did some writing, and took some extra quiet time. For a while, I wrestled with my uncertainty, until quietly and all at once, I came to my truth. I had been carrying the burden of believing that taking a longer trip would make my parents happy and that a shorter trip would cause them disappointment. Furthermore, my disease had been telling me that my FA fellowship wanted me to take longer and longer trips to prove what God can do. I realized that none of this is in line with what I have learned in FA: less is more, easy does it, weigh and measure, practice being right-sized, and pray for humility.

I communicated this with my sponsor, and she supported me. I felt a pervasive sense of relief and gratitude for the clarifying power of the FA tools. Tonight I hope to call my parents so that we can coordinate our schedules. I look forward to buying my plane tickets and planning a trip without any feelings of guilt or inadequacy. Abstinence and the support of the FA program show me that, by the grace of God, I am a good enough daughter today.