A Story of Recovery:

Colorful Life

When I walked into my first FA meeting, I didn’t know what to expect. Not only had I never been to a 12 step meeting before, I didn’t even know anyone in a 12 step program. It was a Sunday morning, I was 22 years old, and a girl my age was leading the meeting. A few people stood up and said they were available to sponsor. I figured that if I was desperate enough to get myself out of bed at 7 o’clock on a Sunday morning, then I might as well go ahead and ask one of these people to sponsor me even though I didn’t know exactly what that meant. I chose someone who looked friendly and non-threatening, and I asked her to be my sponsor. Having a sponsor tell me exactly what to eat every day was a new concept for me, but I was excited at the thought that I would be eating the same amount of food every day. Prior to program, I was always having radical swings in my diet between the week and the weekend.

The first week in program was difficult for me. I was technically at a “healthy weight,” but what I was doing with food was not at all healthy. I came into program off a severe 7-week restriction, and my body wasn’t used to the amount of food I was putting in it. My friends at school had never seen me bring anything for lunch. Now, not only was I bringing all this food to school, but for days people commented on the fact that I was actually eating. I hated eating in front of people, so having people watch me eat was a big struggle. On my second day in program I actually contemplated leaving my food on the bus because I couldn’t get over how heavy the bag of food was and the thought of eating it all mildly repulsed me. Luckily, I already had the numbers of a few fellows who were happy to take my phone calls, and they reminded me that normal people take lunches to school. It was what I was doing with food before program that was abnormal.

There were days when my stomach felt so full I almost couldn’t finish my meals, but my sponsor would gently remind me that my body needed the food, that I wasn’t going to get fat, that things would be just fine. She suggested that I try to make my mealtimes less dramatic, which was a new concept for me because I was used to taking a really long time to eat my food. I wanted the attention that making a meal into a big production would bring.

I weighed myself a few weeks after I started program, and, much to my surprise, I didn’t gain all the weight I thought would by eating the food plan I was given. In fact, I actually lost a few pounds.

It wasn’t always easy. There were days I was so tired by 5 o’clock in the afternoon I was ready to go to sleep, or days I wanted to cry because I was having so many emotions and I didn’t have the food as a buffer anymore. However, as the weeks went on, things got easier. I lost about 10 pounds in program, and one of the biggest miracles that happened was that I got neutrality around the food. I was no longer focused on what everyone else was eating or not eating, or why they were allowed to eat it and I wasn’t. Instead, I learned how to say things like “thank you G-d that’s not my food” and “just for today,” and the many other wonderful phrases that we use in FA.

In program I got to listen to people share, and I could really relate to the things they said. This was such a gift because I had spent many years wondering why I was so different than my friends, why I had this obsession with dieting and weight loss and they didn’t. When I walked into these rooms, I felt so alone and so uncomfortable in my skin, yet, because I was willing to be open and honest with fellows, I let people love and support me until I could love myself. I am truly grateful for this wonderful fellowship because my fellows called me back when they said they would, answered my questions, met me for fellowship dinner, helped me go through my closet, and did so many other things.

Being a newcomer in this program was exciting, scary, new, and uncomfortable at times, but I was full of hope. I started waking up early to call my sponsor, and all of a sudden, I found myself wanting to wake up in the morning instead of wanting to sleep my days away. I wanted to be a part of the world instead of hiding from it because I didn’t want to deal anymore. I got a second chance at life, and a solution to a problem that I thought I would be dealing with for the rest of my life.

By weighing and measuring my food and keeping it simple, I started experiencing the big, wonderful, colorful life I have today. Thank G-d, I have been in program just over a year now, and in that time I have finished graduate school, moved to a new country, and started a new FA meeting—all of which are miracles of working this program. The foundation that was built and the tools I was taught in my first 90 days were the essence of my recovery that one day at a time, with G-d’s help, I hope to continue.