A Story of Recovery:

Dead by 60

At 45 years old chronologically, my body felt much older than that. I weighed 277 pounds and had every possible complication of obesity. I had been a Type 2 diabetic for eight years, had high blood pressure, high cholesterol, sleep apnea, arthritis in all of my joints, fluid retention in my legs, and reflux. The arches in my feet were flattening out because of the weight on them, and I was on 14 different medications to keep me as healthy as a morbidly obese person could be. I knew that I would be dead by the time I was 60.

How did I get into this situation? I exercised several days a week, and ate mostly whole grains, low-fat dairy products, and some fruits and vegetables, etc. I wasn’t overweight as a child and addiction is not rampant in my family. I believe that it all started in late high school, when my own will was in charge, that things went awry. I would come home after school and eat junk to my heart’s content and then I would eat dinner.

Things became worse once I was on my own. I was in charge of what I bought and ate, and I took advantage of it. Most of my binge foods were made out of flour and sugar, which only fueled the fire. For a food addict, one bite is too much and 1,000 are not enough. One bite just creates an uncontrollable craving for more. Flour and sugar numbs my body and clouds my thinking. I learned over time to stuff any uncomfortable feeling down with food. Every waking moment was consumed with food. Either I was cooking, eating, watching the Food Channel (which was food porn to me), surfing the net for recipes, or reading cooking magazines. This trend continued until I reached my highest weight of 322 pounds.

I tried many weight-loss programs throughout my life and had “success” in all of them— initially. Self-sabotage was always the name of the game, and sooner or later I would get tired of the program I was on and would vow to do it on my own for less money. As an addict, I always think I know the best way to do everything. I would always gain back the weight I lost, plus more, as I slowly slid back to the way I did things before.

I spent thousands of dollars and lost and gained many pounds along the way. Nothing that I did on these programs was sustainable, and none of them looked at why we eat the way we do or what else we should do besides eat. One program I tried allowed only 500 calories a day and I had to urinate on a stick to see how many ketones I was putting out. It was definitely not sustainable!

I lost 60 pounds with a mail-order food program, but I got tired of the food, which was extremely expensive. And I had to still make food for my family. I did manage to keep that weight off for a year, but went wild during the holidays and gained back 22 pounds between Halloween and New Year’s Day. I knew I was on my way back up to 322 pounds (or higher) and could not face this again. At that point, I had the “gift of desperation.”

Then a friend of mine invited me to an FA meeting, where I learned that I am a food addict. In FA, I could address the physical side of food addiction, and also the emotional and spiritual side. I had no problems wrapping my head around the word “addict.” Most of what I’ve done in my life has been in an addictive manner, including smoking cigarettes, relationships, doing drugs, drinking alcohol, exercising, and shopping. Now food could be added to the list.

It is not a religious program, but FA helps me build a relationship with a higher power of my own understanding. This was very helpful because I have never been a religious person, though I did believe in God. In the past, if I did pray, it would be for something I wanted. One of the most difficult things I learned to do in this program was to pray for anyone I had resentments against and ask for them to have everything I would want for myself. This was extremely difficult at first, but it became easier every day. Miraculously, after doing this for a while, the resentments leave!

After losing 119 pounds, I am now maintaining my weight, which I have never been able to say before. I have a peace and serenity that I never experienced before, and every waking moment is not consumed with food. My blood sugar and blood pressure are now normal.  I was able to discontinue taking many of my medications and I no longer have pain with every step I take. I have lots of energy to keep up with my grandchildren. We go to the playground and I swing, slide, and go on the seesaw with them—and have a blast!