A Story of Recovery:

Don’t Quit Before The Miracle Happens

I had recently graduated from college and was avoiding dealing with horrific sexual abuse that had happened to me towards the end of my senior year.  The way I was eating was insane because I was trying to escape my feelings and was in severe trauma and isolation.  I spent all my free time in the kitchen making strange concoctions in a blender with frozen foods that shouldn’t go together. I was eating food out of a large colander outside on the balcony while squatting on the ground in my underwear. I felt like I was nothing but an animal because of how I’d been treated, so I ate like one too. Thankfully, God guided me towards FA in a coffee shop right by my house.  While I was waiting for my sugary caffeinated drink and bingeing on baked goods I noticed a pamphlet that said, “Are you having trouble controlling the way you eat?”  I had never heard of food addiction before, but went to a meeting that night to investigate. 

I’d struggled with food for most of my adult life. In college when I would visit my Mom on the weekends. She knew about my problem; I told her I was like a cocaine addict but my drug was stocked in the fridge and cupboards. She would put a bell on my door in the hopes that when I would sneak down in the middle of the night to binge, she would hear the bell ring and tell me to stop. She put up signs in the pantry telling me to breath or go for a walk instead. Nothing ever worked and if I needed to eat I would do anything I could to get my drug. It was only after my first meeting did I know that there was a name for my problem– I was a food addict. At the meeting they talked about a spiritual solution. It was my first experience in a 12-step program.  The speaker talked about being bulimic. It was the first time that I’d ever heard someone share so openly about what they did with food in secret. When they told me about quiet time I knew that this program was going to work. I needed more than just a food plan. The next day I began to weigh and measure my food and slowly brought some sanity and healing into my life.   

Since starting the program I’ve had one relapse with flour and sugar but then was able to start working a strong program with a very experienced sponsor. I lost my weight quickly and maintained a weight of 135 lb. for over two years. I wish I was able to say that I’ve been abstinent every since but that is not my story. Unfortunately, I naively decided to try to find an alternative solution for my addition. I discussed this with my family and they agreed to help me get professional treatment. I had to let go of my sponsees, service positions and my sponsor. I broke all contact with fellows to focus on my new “recovery from FA.”  I had regular appointments with nutritionists, therapists, psychiatrists who put me on medication and was taking classes to learn how to regulate my emotions.  Unfortunately, my health insurance expired when I turned 26 and I was left on my own with no support. As soon as I was discharged from the in-patient eating disorder facility I immediately picked up alcohol, food and promiscuity.   

One year later, I was at 180 lb. and my life was a mess. I’d got caught up in a dysfunctional relationship, had been taken to a psychiatric institution, quit my job, dropped out of two different colleges, and resigned myself to manual labor. I tried to return to FA but was not able to stay abstinent for one day so I quit again, and rapidly got up to 195 lb.: my top weight. I was eating constantly. One time I spent $150 on one binge. I hid in the backyard eating behind the hot tub all day and into the next morning, even though some of the items had melted. By the following year, I was starting to hide food from my new boyfriend. From his perspective, I was a really healthy eater, but while he was at work or not visiting me, my binge eating was out of control. I was doing a lot of pet sitting at the time so I had a whole house to myself – I ate the way I wanted to eat.  I ate everything in the house and then went to the store to buy more.  This cycle continued everyday.  At the store I’d buy two packages or bags of stuff I was replacing but I’d eat both and have to go back again. I was spending more money on the food I was replacing and eating than I was earning from the job. This had to stop. Luckily, I knew there was a solution that had worked in the past.  
 
I had become so desperate that despite many failed attempts I went to back to an FA meeting and asked a woman I knew to sponsor me.  Sadly, I was still not able to keep my abstinence for more than a couple days.  What saved me this time is that throughout my chronic relapses, I never left program. Even if I binged before and after meetings in my car, I still showed up. I got on my knees each morning and begged God for an abstinent day. Yet, even though I hadn’t been abstinent that day I still got on my knees at night and prayed. I would still make my calls even if I had food in my hand or was just about to binge after talking to someone. Although I could only bear to have a sponsor witness my struggle for so long, I always had one.  It was completely demoralizing to find myself waking up each morning to call someone who was sacrificing their time for me to tell them I had not been abstinent again and again and again. 

My last binge came after 9 months of struggling with the food while working the FA
program. During that time, my job was to manage a small business six days a week. Business was painfully slow so apart from a handful of customers that would come in, I was completely by myself. This gave me the luxury of hanging a sign that said “Be Back Later,” walking to the grocery store, buying bags of binge food and bringing it back to the store so I could eat all day. After closing, I’d go back to get more flour and sugar and binge in a dark room watching movies on my laptop. I knew God had a
greater purpose for me but I didn’t see a way out. While trying to impress a guy I was interested in, I started volunteering at a local nonprofit and signed up for some classes at a community college. Even though I was in full relapse, I still managed to show up to volunteer before going into work. I enjoyed being around people, being part of a good cause and having something to do other than eat. One day, to my surprise, the Executive Director asked me if I would be interested in working there. The job was part-time and would work around my class schedule. Ironically, this particular organization’s mission was to improve the lives of people who lacked access to healthy, nutritious food. For the first time in years, I was given hope my life was going to get better. Finally, I was ready to surrender the food for good. In the morning when I committed my food to my sponsor, I was able to remain abstinent and not binge uncontrollably. No longer did I have to sabotage myself; instead, I felt I deserved to take care of myself.

Today I’ve remained abstinent one day at a time for nine months only by the grace of God. I still love my new job, which motivates me to stay abstinent. If I picked up the bite, there would be no way I could engage with my organization or co-workers to help others. I’d probably be too busy leaving my desk to steal food and bingeing in a bathroom. I no longer wake up from a food hangover feeling bloated, sick, depressed and lethargic and not show up to work. Program has also taught me to be a responsible student, to come to class prepared, to do my homework and finish what I committed to, even when it gets hard. My obsession with men has been lifted; I don’t find myself in bars wearing revealing clothing chasing after men. I have self-respect and focus on healthy relationships with fellows. I’ve also reached out to old friends who I’d neglected over the years because I was so ashamed of my weight and what I was doing with my life. Instead of wasting all my money on food, alcohol or drugs, I’ve started saving for retirement. I was recently able to travel abroad internationally to visit family and be present. Most importantly, I now trust God to handle any work, school or family conflict that might cause me anxiety. Thank God for outreach calls! My sponsor reminds me to keep weighing and measuring my food and God will work out the rest. I’m grateful for any opportunity to do service and share my story to give hope to anyone in program who is struggling. Don’t quit before the miracle; keep coming back!