A Story of Recovery:

Expanded Horizons

I am a 24-year-old food addict in recovery from overeating, under eating (more “attempting to” than actually sticking to it), and intense bulimic behavior. It started when I was as young as five years old, when I thought I was fat.

As I grew up, I couldn’t even make a phone call to a stranger. I would freak out and create a dramatized story about someone finding out that I was worthless and dumb. I had great fear of what other people thought of me and had very little self-esteem. I spent my days eating, drinking, and throwing up. I couldn’t talk to adults because I thought they were superior to me. In my part-time jobs while attending school, if a customer asked if I could help find a product, my mind would go straight to self criticism, and I would think to myself, You’re stupid, you don’t know how to do this, the customer is waiting for you, hurry up, you idiot. I was so busy being negative about myself that I couldn’t begin to answer a customer’s question, so I would ask someone else for the answer. This behavior only reinforced to me, and to the world, that I was dumb.

I would never put my hand up in school to give an answer because of my fear of being wrong. I never tried new things for fear of rejection and of not being seen as perfect. I could not drive further than 30 minutes from home, because I was afraid of being a bad driver, being far from home, and being out of my comfort zone. And I could not sit and eat with my family without crying. I would get highly anxious at the table, just facing the fact that I was eating. Nevertheless, I did lots of solitary, mind-numbing bingeing and purging.

My journey in FA started with watching a drug addict on Dr. Phil on TV. When I thought about my relationship with food, I could thoroughly relate to her insane, drug-addicted ways. I did an internet search for the term “food addict,” a term I had never heard before. I then found myself in my first-ever encounter with a Twelve-Step meeting and FA. I was led to a sponsor the first night and started working the FA program the very next day. I was so desperate, as I had exhausted all options. I believe that if I had been told to stand on my head doing quiet time, I would have done so!

One of the things my disease convinced me of when I first came into Program was that I could never travel again because it would be too hard to travel abstinently. But recently, I had plans to travel to America alone. Before my trip, I had huge amounts of fear and anxiety, and felt physically sick. I wondered what I was doing to myself, and I didn’t want to go anymore. I had travelled overseas before, but never alone. I was leaving my boyfriend of five years, who was my rock. I thought of all the “what ifs,” and of every possible fear, doubt, and worry.

But I have grown up in the last two-and-a-half years in Program, and I now feel happy to say that I am a young woman who loves the person I am, and who loves my body and my life. Sure, my disease likes to play games with me, but by the grace of my loving higher power, I now have this program, tools, and fellow food addicts to continue this now-incredible life with me! My life is no longer getting smaller; I now face the fear and do it anyway.

Everything ran so smoothly on my trip to America, despite some challenges. I had my food and scale stolen at a hostel in New York City, which I was calm about. I responded with thinking that whoever stole them obviously needed them more than I did. I had a bit of a panic moment, followed by a chuckle, and then got on with the next right action. Toward the end of my trip, while carting my luggage and food from one place to another and waiting for a train on the subway, I spilled a whole box of newly-bought breakfast cereal on myself, on people sitting beside me, and all over the ground. I was embarrassed, but I didn’t go into negative self-criticism. Again, I had a bit of a chuckle and got on with it. I had a fantastic holiday and realized that it definitely was not me who made it happen. I felt incredibly looked after by my higher power. I was calm, patient, and I wasn’t in fear. I had God and the opportunity to strengthen that relationship at every moment.

In America I had the privilege of staying with fellow recovering food addicts. I spoke at a number of meetings and went to the Fellowship Convention in San Francisco with almost 900 fellows. I saw this program as a way of life shared by thousands. I had weighed and measured meals with members and, most importantly, I stayed sane and abstinent despite the lies my disease had been telling me.

Since returning from America, I have had a huge shift in my recovery. My life is expanding before my eyes. For so long, I struggled with being young in program, was consumed with what other people thought of me, and was worried that my life was getting smaller from FA. Since returning, I am more at peace around my food and Program. I am now even cooking for my boyfriend, which I had not been doing before, because I thought I couldn’t waste my precious money and food on him, let alone wait for him to come over on time. I used to just want to eat alone, at the exact time I wanted to eat.

I will always be stringent with weighing and measuring my food; that is very black and white. But now that I have God, I am a lot more relaxed around my meals, about getting my tools done on time, and about staying abstinent in any situation. I feel so much stronger in my outlook on life and about Program.