A Story of Recovery:

FA: Fantastic Abstinence!

I could hear myself lumber across the room. I felt huge! I did not like the idea that when I went to my clothes closet, chances were that nothing would fit. Slacks wouldn’t zip and tops were, shall we say, “snug?” No, make that tight. My arms were floppy and my eyes were nearly disappearing into my fleshy face. I want to remember what it was like so that I can come back to it again and again if need be, to put me back on track. I was 59 years old and 5’ 3.” I was my heaviest weight ever at 175 pounds. I was probably a size 14, but I still kept squeezing into my 10s, barely.

I am a food addict. I had been thin-ish till I was about eight years old, when the extra weight seemed to appear. I remember my mom taking me to the doctor when I was ten and they discussed my weight. My mom worked full time and didn’t have very much control over how or what I ate, something I remember taking full advantage of! In the neighborhood where I grew up, I seemed to have free access to all sorts of foods; mom and pop grocery stores were abundant. Even though my dad’s job was within walking distance from the house, I was given very little supervision or guidance.

As a teenager, I was able to control my weight with exercise, restricting my food, or going on strange diets. As an adult, I tried excessive walking, diet programs, and pills. Then finally I rationalized and just resigned myself to the fact that I’d have pounds creeping onto my body “as I got older.”

Then five years ago, a friend asked me to accompany her to a group for weight loss that her doctor had recommended. I said, “Sure, why not?” It turned out to be FA. I went with her and was given a sponsor. From day one, I decided that my sponsor had it in for me. Of course I lost weight, but how or why my sponsor didn’t drop me like a hot starchy vegetable is beyond me. It must have been that compassionate FA concern for this deadly disease. Incessant arguing and discussions about foods (that I knew in my heart of hearts were not on my plan) were common in our morning conversations. My sponsor was always gentle yet firm, and I was indignant and stubborn. I finally left the fellowship after a few weeks.

I reached a breaking point this past March, shortly after I’d lied to someone, telling them that I was happy with my weight after all. Talk about denial. I had gained about 25 to 30 additional pounds and decided that that I’d learn to live with it and accept the approximately 167 pounds I was carrying around.

Then reality set in. I was weighing myself one morning and found that I’d gained eight additional pounds in one week! I hated going to my closet because nothing fit. I hated getting dressed. I didn’t like the way anything looked on me (by now I was pretty much reduced to a “uniform” that I’d wear, which was a tried and true outfit that always zipped up and didn’t expose too much). I had to admit that I was miserable.

One Saturday, shortly after realizing my single eight-pound gain, I was at the computer, and someone or something made me ask myself if  “those FA people” were still around.  Sure enough, the answer was yes! I believe it was my Higher Power who stepped in to give me the guidance that I needed.

I saw that there was a meeting that very Monday morning in a location I knew. So I went to the meeting that morning and slowly but gratefully jumped in. It took me about ten days to get a sponsor. (My stubbornness knows no bounds sometimes.)

By the grace of my Higher Power, I was able to accept and surrender this time by listening carefully to my sponsor and following her suggestions word for word. I have to admit that the first time around I was not ready, willing, or able, and all three are needed. This second time around. I realize that I so want what she has that I am willing to do what she suggests. It is as easy as that!

Today I am at 141 pounds and I’ve never felt better. I lost 20 pounds my first month in the program and nine pounds in the second. I recently reached my ninety-day abstinent mark, one day at a time. I was ready. I am still ready, even though it has now been ninety-four days!

But the weight loss is just the beginning. A calmness that I’ve never had before has set in, and I rely on my Higher Power for that next right thing to do. One friend even quipped, “You’re so calm that you’re scaring me!”

Can you tell that I am so grateful for this program? Abstinence is something precious. Discipline is something I now treasure. Five years of extra research out there was proof to me that the FA way is the only way for me. Thank you, God. I told my sponsor that perhaps FA ought to stand for Fantastic Abstinence!