A Story of Recovery:

Fear Interrupted

Fairly early on in recovery, I heard people share at meetings that we addicts have a disease of fear, doubt, and insecurity. It took me a while to really understand what that meant and how it applied to me. I knew I was obese (280 pounds), but I didn’t know what that had to do with fear, doubt, and insecurity.

When I got a food plan from a sponsor and stopped eating addictively, and as I sat in meetings and listened, I started to remember how big a role fear played in my life from very early on. I didn’t have a whole lot to be afraid of as a child. I lived in a very safe suburban town, my parents did not mistreat me, and I had never experienced any trauma. Nevertheless, I was terrified of the dark, of ghosts, of getting stung by a bee while playing outside, of being eaten by a shark at the beach. You name it, I was afraid of it.

I also slowly became aware of how much fear I had, even as an adult. I suffered from insomnia. I had the awareness in recovery that I couldn’t sleep because I was afraid of what might happen if I was not awake and paying attention.

Once before recovery, I quit a job because I made a mistake and got a warning from my supervisor. I didn’t realize until recovery that I quit because I was afraid I would get fired and wanted to beat them to the punch. Not once back then did I think to explore why I had made the mistake or learn how I might not make it again the next time. I did not talk to my supervisor about my mistake. I simply walked into his office and quit.

I will admit that after 18 years of abstinence from addictive eating and a 150-pound weight loss, the fear has not vanished completely from my life. Just yesterday, I took a nosedive into fear when my boss sent me an email (I work at home some days) inquiring about something I had done. I realized I had overlooked a piece of information I should have caught. When I became aware of my mistake, my hands began to shake, I could feel my face turn hot, and I felt that old feeling of panic rise in my chest. I thought, Maybe I’m going to get fired over this. In the back of mind, I knew that this was my disease (of fear!) and that I wouldn’t get fired over the mistake I had made. Still, for a moment the fear took over.

It was lunchtime, so I knew I needed to eat my weighed and measured lunch. Instinctively, before eating lunch, I walked up to my bedroom and fell to my knees. I didn’t beg, “God, please don’t let me get fired!” I said, “God, I’m really scared. Please help me to trust.”  Then I went back downstairs and made a few phone calls. When I couldn’t reach anyone, I ate my lunch.

After lunch, I wrote my boss an email acknowledging my mistake. I explained what I had been thinking, and apologized for the piece of information I had missed.

Just after I finished lunch, the phone rang and it was someone with long-term abstinence who has known me for 18 years. While I was on the phone with her, an email came in from my boss.  The e-mail said something like “no big deal.” I read it while on the phone with my friend, and we both had a good laugh. I was able to talk to her about my realization that my fear of being fired came from my financial uncertainty, because I am the primary financial support for my husband and two young children right now. Only moments after the phone call, the fear was completely gone, and I went on with my day.

There are many differences in my life today in recovery from my life before FA. It is not that I don’t ever feel fear, it’s that I have a God in my life today to turn to, tools of the program to use, and the clarity and peace of mind to deal appropriately with scary situations. That, to me, is the true gift of this program and the reason I don’t have to eat addictively, one day at a time.