A Story of Recovery:

Finally Letting Go of Fear

My addiction to food began at a very young age. As a kid, I was home alone a lot, and I was not allowed to go outside or be on the phone. I loved sports and playing outside, so TV and movies became boring at some point. The only thing I could think to do was eat. I was back and forth to the refrigerator all day, every day, for some time. 

When I was ten years old, I left my home to be closer to school and be in a better environment. I desperately wanted to be near my mother. I had a tremendous amount of fear, and the only thing that calmed me was food. Around this time, my mother and guardians started to try to control the way I ate. I was always being watched while in the kitchen and being told what I could and could not have. I lost about 20 pounds (about 9 kilos) due to their attention to my eating. However, shortly after one of my guardians retired, I was back in control of what I was eating. From then on, I ate everything I wanted, whenever I wanted. 

I gained weight steadily, year after year. I never restricted myself, even though I had a deep desire to play soccer and softball. I always had these fantasies about what I would do if I had a right-sized body. It didn’t matter how badly I wanted to lose weight, the food was always more important. By the time I was a freshman in high school, I was 300 pounds (about 136 kilos).

I started high school with the same fear I felt as a child. I had gone to school with the same kids and same teachers from kindergarten to eighth grade, and going to a new school with new teachers and new students paralyzed me. It took me a long time to get comfortable, and I never made any effort to make friends. That is when the isolation started. For all four years, I spent the majority of my time alone. I never went out on weekends, and it was rare that I attended school social functions. I devoted all my time to my studies and to my food. When I graduated high school, I was 330 pounds (about 150 kilos).

Fear was just a part of my life when I started college. I chose a school that was two hours away from home, and my food addiction progressed. When I woke up in the morning, I thought about what I would have for breakfast at the dining hall. When I left the dining hall, I went to the coffee shop to get a sugary beverage and some sweets. After one or two classes, I went to another dining hall to get more junk food to take back to my room and eat. I made sure my roommate wasn’t there when I came back with all my food. If she was there, I went to an empty common area to eat. Eating in secret became a big part of my life. When I finished my work, I used the rest of the day to order greasy food from places around town. I also would take a lot of my roommate’s food when the dining halls were no longer open and I didn’t have any of my own food left. 

I began drinking alcohol in my sophomore year. I liked it because it helped me escape my life. I hated who I was, and I believed that I had no reason to live. I chose my major because I didn’t have to put in much effort to do well. I didn’t have any hobbies or interests besides food, and I drank most weekends. The alcohol allowed me to open up more, but I usually regretted something I did or said the next day. There was always a fear that came with drinking. I was underage, and against my better judgment, I always drank in the dorm. A week after my twentieth birthday, my party got busted and I was charged with underage drinking. I thought my life was over. I thought I would lose my scholarship and never be able to get a good job. But, by the grace of God, that’s not the case today. 

Shortly after I graduated college, I accepted a job in Philadelphia. I moved, thinking that my life would change, but it didn’t. The same miserable person followed me to Philadelphia. I was so negative my first two years in that new city. I hated my job, my commute, my apartment, my clothes, my body, and the city itself. To make myself feel better, I ate whatever I wanted and as much of it as I wanted. My thinking was, since I have to go through all of this, I deserve to treat myself. I stayed locked in my room in the dark with Grubhub and UberEats as my only friends. 

That lasted for a few years until I attended an FA information session. I still remember the session and all the speakers. They were all calm, and they seemed very happy. They passed around their pictures, and I was amazed at their transformations. That night, I got a sponsor and began the FA program. I was 24 years old and 345 pounds (about 156 kilos). 

I wish I had a story that was full of rainbows and unicorns, but I don’t. I hated FA. I blamed the FA program—not my negative attitude or my serious addiction—for my sad, boring life. I was angry and very hesitant to take suggestions. I sat on the fence for some time. Luckily, I had a sponsor who was patient and who really cared about me. Eventually, I made a decision to just try it, and my life began to change. I got a new job that wasn’t as bad as the old one. I lost weight and became more confident. I really started asking God for help not to eat and to help me to take the actions to change.

In my first 90 days, I had the privilege of going to the business convention. I have to admit I left there feeling filled up. I met so many people who shared so much of themselves with me. I also met fellows my age, which gave me a lot of hope for the future. It’s amazing that something I didn’t want to go to was the thing that changed how I viewed the program. 

Today, I have so much gratitude for the present and so much hope for the future. I’ve lost 177 pounds (about 80 kilos), and that crippling fear I’ve felt my whole life has gone away. I’m doing things with fellows and meeting friends in my area. I’m not spending hundreds of dollars on take-out and delivery. I’m not afraid to travel, and I have the ability to be way more active. I have a job that’s underwhelming at times but it keeps my bills paid, and I work with great people. The most important thing is that I have a relationship with a higher power today. I have no doubt that God has a plan for my life, and as long as I work this program, I can expect good things. Thank you God for FA!