A Story of Recovery:

Finally Right-Sized

Eleven years ago, I was on the phone with a customer service representative of a plus-size women’s clothing line trying to order black palazzo pants in size 3XL and 4XL. The representative asked why I was ordering the same pants in two different sizes, because they have a very simple return policy. I explained to her that I had no idea what size I was and I was in desperately in need of an outfit for my best friend’s wedding, which was happening in less than a week. I had completely put off buying an outfit because I could not mentally deal with trying on clothes. There were no plus-size clothing stores within 50 miles of my home, and I ran out of time to buy an outfit in a store. I had even contemplated not going to my best friend’s wedding to avoid the whole situation.

I had been overweight my whole life. My heaviest recorded weight was 309 pounds. I remember standing on the scale seeing 3-0-9 and being relieved that my weight was not 310. Even at that weight, I did not know how big I was or that I had a problem with food. I also had no idea how unhappy I was. I kept thinking that things would get better after I lost the weight. I tried so many ways to lose weight: Jenny Craig at age 15, every version of Weight Watchers, Lean for Life, hypnosis, diet pills, laxatives, low carb, low fat, high protein, in which I had to check my urine to see if I was in ketosis. If it was a Monday, I was starting a new diet.

After having just finished reading yet another self-help book, I decided that this was the last decade I was going to be fat. Things had to change. I thought that I had figured out some secret. Burn off more calories than I put in my body. A new obsession began. I lost 60 pounds in six months by meticulously counting every calorie I put in my mouth and every calorie that I burned by wearing a heart-rate monitor 24-hours-a-day. I rarely had conversations that did not revolve around weight loss or exercise. I became an expert on BMR (basal metabolic rate) and a walking calorie-counting book. My focus shifted from wanting to be completely filled up with food to wanting to feel completely empty. Binge or restrict; there was no in-between for me. I did not know moderation. I continued this pattern and added in more and more exercise. I would get up at 3:00 a.m. to do a P90X workout before work, then train for a half-marathon after work. I ran a half-marathon at 170 pounds (I’m 5’3”), and I thought I was the picture of health.

As things with my 12-year-old son became more and more stressful, I went back to my old way of filling up with food. I didn’t think it was a problem, though, because I was bingeing on “diet” food. I was gaining and losing the same 20 pounds over and over again. I finally Googled “emotional eating support group” and found an FA meeting. I didn’t read anything about FA other than where and when the meeting was being held.

It took me six long months to get to that meeting. When I heard the words from the front of the room, I finally understood what was wrong with me and felt a huge sense of relief that there was a solution. But then I did the program my way and treated it as any other diet. I did not get the Higher Power thing. Why is everyone thanking God? Is this a religious program? Attend three meetings a week? You don’t understand how busy I am. Call strangers on the phone and share what is going on in my life? I tried very hard to not think about how I felt, nor I did have the words to distinguish between happy, sad, or angry. You want me to wake up early to take quiet time? Wouldn’t it be better for me to get that extra 30 minutes of sleep?

Three weeks into program I had a break because I didn’t know that I could not split my meal. I had part of my dinner before an appointment and the other part after the appointment. I was so angry to find out that this was a break. How could I be perfect if I didn’t know all the rules?  My pride, arrogance, and self-pity led me back to the flour and sugar. The next morning, I woke up in a fog and knew that I either needed to do this program as it was given to me by my sponsor or I was going to be 300 pounds again. I committed to doing what my sponsor suggested for 90 days. I started to act as if I believed in a higher power, and I started saying “Thank you God” when a parking spot appeared or the traffic light stayed green. Slowly, I started to believe in a higher power and asked God to help remove the food thoughts. “Thank you God, that is not my food today” became my mantra. Phone calls were hard, but I did them anyway. I learned that I didn’t have to want to do something. I just needed to take the action and do it. I committed to going to a meeting that was more than 90 minutes away. Every day I asked God for help to stop trying to manipulate and control every situation and to help me choose faith rather than fear.

I am so grateful for the gifts that this program has given me. I am in a right-size body for the first time ever in my life. I no longer carry an extra 190 pounds on my body or the 2,000 pounds that were stuck in my head. I recently bought a size 4 pair of jeans, which is a long way from the 3XL or 4XL that I was trying to buy over 11 years ago. Most of all, I am grateful for the willingness to surrender my will to a higher power of my own understanding, one day at a time.