A Story of Recovery:

Finding Clarity

I had been morbidly obese most of my life, and six years ago I weighed 410 pounds. My four children, whom I raised as a single father, had just faced adulthood (finally) and had left the nest. I found myself feeling alone, free of all responsible obligations, and…done. I had already made the conscious decision to commit suicide (again, I was done). I was well beyond vanity and I didn’t care about a future, much less how I looked in it. But someone told me about FA, and I thought I’d check it out before checking out.

I was filled with more than a little skepticism when I saw all the people in the room. Very few looked even remotely overweight, and of the 50 to 60 people in attendance, there were only about three other guys. As with many other Twelve-Step meetings I had tried, I was suspicious of the exuberant and jovial ambience that permeated the room (too many people were just too happy).

Throughout that entire meeting, I was waiting for a shoe to drop—waiting for something to happen that would give me an excuse to leave everything behind and face some soft white oblivion. But thank God, that shoe never did drop.

The speaker told a version of my own story, and I talked to some of the other people in the room during the break who all had issues with food that resonated with me. I realized that I had come “home.” FA was my last chance.

During my first few days in FA, I was surprised that I was able and willing to do whatever was required of me (hell, I had nothing more to lose). I committed to the program and was willing to work the Steps and the tools. I was also willing to wait however long it took for the promised benefits of the program to materialize—whether it was months or years. I cannot convey how amazed I was that in just three short days of working the program, I experienced my first great insight: I had been in a fog. That’s right. I had suddenly woken up to find that I had been sleeping.

This little revelation served as the seed that allowed me to cast off the lethargic cloud that I now realized had engulfed my mind. Suddenly I was able to focus and see, read and write more attentively, and be more aware of a spiritual consciousness. I was more attuned to my feelings and the world around me, and more able to enjoy the process of getting from point A to point B, as it was happening. In less than a week of working the program, an aspect of recovery suddenly had materialized and it had nothing to do with weight. I realized that I suddenly had a new sense of clarity—a clarity that has allowed me to be more attentive to my recovery.

Today I’m a 60-year-old young man, a recent college graduate, a motorcycle driver, and a grandfather to four wonderful grandchildren. I’m enjoying a 220-pound weight loss, as well as a happy and useful life. Although I can’t claim life to be entirely filled with sunshine and rainbows, my worst days in recovery are still better than my best days in the food. Thank God for FA. Life is strange, chaotic, happy, sad, busy, challenging, and not always pleasant, but it is the best that it’s ever been. Today, I’m alive.