A Story of Recovery:

Flying Through Recovery

I came into program weighing 293 pounds.  I had been obese pretty much my entire life and knew that I was addicted to food.  I just had no idea how to live in a world addicted to a substance I needed in order to survive.  I had always dreamed of finding enough willpower to be able to eat in moderation, but was never able to do so.

When I walked into my first FA meeting, scared beyond words and lacking the belief that I could ever live without flour and sugar even for one day, something resonated with me when I heard that there was a solution and people were living it.  I knew I had to give it a shot.

I had reached the point where I was thinking about food pretty much all my waking hours, yet still managed to be very high functioning, with a great career, a happy marriage, and two incredible kids.  At 47, though, my mind was mostly focused on when I was going to get food, where I was going to get it, how I would sneak it and then how I would get rid of the evidence.  At other times it was focused on what an idiot I was for eating like this and how my kids would likely grow up without a mother.   What I didn’t realize was how much of my mental energy was also expended on navigating with an obese body in a world that was designed for normal-sized people.  That became very evident to me when I flew for the first time in program. We went to California for a family function.  I had been in program for 7 months and had lost 99 pounds.

The trip was different from any other travelling I had ever done, and it started with packing.  I was never happy with the clothing options I had for travel and packing always took up a lot of luggage space.  This time, I had gone shopping for new clothes, down from size 26/28 to size 14, and was proud and happy with my choices.  On top of that, my clothes all folded into much smaller piles and I was able to travel with fewer suitcases than I had in the past.

Travelling through the airport had always been an effort.  Schlepping my luggage and taking off my shoes for security always made me very warm and clammy.  This time, it was like I was floating through air.  My body temperature was comfortable and nothing was an effort.

The most noticeable change for me was the experience on the plane itself.  I had always had to figure out which way to face my body in order to get down the aisle to my seat.  Should I walk forward or sideways?  Then my thoughts would turn to what everyone else was thinking.  “I hope she’s not sitting next to me” I could hear in their heads.  I always hoped for a spare seat between me and my husband so we could sit more comfortably.  Otherwise, we would put one of our kids between us to make more room for our bodies that spilled over into the seats next to us.   Then of course, doing up the seatbelt was traumatizing.  I would pray that it would click together because I refused to ask for an extension.  I hate to admit it, but there were times that I flew without fastening my seatbelt because I just couldn’t. Then they would pass around headsets.  I typically had to insert the headset into the jack before I sat down, because the size of my leg hid the outlet once I was seated.  I just had to figure out how to get seated without knocking the jack out of the outlet, otherwise I had no useful headset!  And then came mealtime.  My arm that spilled out onto the aisle would constantly get hit by the passing carts.  I would try to fold one arm over the other to hold it in close, but to no avail. Although I always wanted to eat, I would never take the meal because I could not put the table down.  There was no room for it with my stomach in the way.  I would even have to put my drink on one of my kids’ trays.  And then there was coping with the length of the flight and the discomfort of being squished into a small seat for six hours.  And God forbid I had to use the washrooms!

But this time, it was all different. This time, I walked proudly down the aisle, face forward, and didn’t bump into anyone along the way.  I took my seat confidently knowing that no one would care if I sat in the next seat or not because I would not be exploding onto the next seat.  I sat down with plenty of room to spare.  I did up my seat belt and pulled the strap so it was snug around my hips.  The outlet was right where it should be – visible and easily accessible while I was seated.  The carts came by and it didn’t bump me even once.    I took out my abstinent meal, put my tray top down comfortably and ate my wholesome, delicious food like a lady.  The flight seemed to go by very quickly because there was plenty of room in my seat for me to sit comfortably and I was not ashamed or embarrassed to get up and walk the aisles. I even used the lavatory very easily.  This time, I devoted my mental energy to the gratitude for FA and the progress I’ve made.

I am currently down 119 pounds with more to go to get to my right-sized body, but I continue to marvel each and every day at the ease of living in a normal-sized body.  In many ways, I’m grateful for having experienced life in an obese body. If I hadn’t, I would not have the level of appreciation that I do.    Thank you God for guiding me to this program and giving me the willingness to do what I have to do.  I love living my life and experiencing the world at this size.