A Story of Recovery:
Freedom from Food
Passover is a Jewish holiday that commemorates the time when the Jewish people were liberated some 3,300 years ago from slavery in ancient Egypt. This year, I celebrated my own liberation and freedom from my obsession and compulsion with food by enjoying my traditional family Seder with a renewed sense of peace and contentment.
As it happened I celebrated my three-year FA anniversary on the first night of Passover. Co-incidence? I think not. This year, the Seder was a reminder of my commitment and serenity in finding a program that has helped me manage my life.
A lot of preparation typically goes into planning for the Seder dinner, which, this year, we hosted for 19 family members. In the past, I would have been stressed out that everything had to be perfect for my guests, and I would have been very self-conscious about my eating and fitting into my clothes. For me, every Jewish holiday was a time when I felt my relatives would judge me for either going up or down on the scale. While I didn’t have a lot of weight to lose, I had the constant internal conflict of yo-yo dieting and not feeling comfortable in my own skin because of the 10-20 extra pounds. I would also try and restrain my food during the meal in front of relatives, but when everyone left, I would nibble and pick at all the remaining foods that would be calling to me while I was cleaning up. Then, I would feel stuffed and miserable.
“Why is this night different than all others?” is a ceremonial question that we ask at the beginning of the Seder. This year, that question had profound meaning for me. In recent months I had changed sponsors and renewed my commitment to recovery by totally surrendering myself to the FA program. In particular, this meant that I would have to pass on the ceremonial wine and traditional symbolic foods eaten during the Seder service, many of which had sugar and flour. Even though I was putting Program first, I was still concerned in the back of my head about what my guests would think. Before the service began, I asked G-d to help me and to “show me the way.” This was something that was totally different for me. And don’t you know; my prayers were answered. As the ceremonial food items were being passed around, my 17-year-old son turned to me and said, “Mom, that’s not your food, so why bother even putting it on your plate?” It was like a weight was lifted, and I felt so loved and reassured that it didn’t matter to me what others were thinking.
Asking for help, be it from G-d or from others, was a big new step for me. It was something that I wouldn’t have done in the past, either. This year, I took extra care in the planning and preparations for the Seder dinner, and I made sure the cooking was shared. By the time my guests arrived, I felt relaxed and calm knowing I would be able to enjoy my committed weighed and measured meal, and I was neither distracted by the food when cleaning up nor compelled to pick at the leftovers.
Extra calls to my fellows and quiet time on the day of the Sedar helped prepare me to be spiritually sound for my evening. This brought me tremendous peace and serenity, so I was able to enjoy the beauty of having family gathered for a wonderful celebration.
In recovery, I have come to know a new freedom from the bondage and obsession with food, just like the Jews were liberated from slavery and able to begin new lives. I have found a new life, too: the FA way.