A Story of Recovery:

From Controlling to Loving


Last night, I had a very interesting conversation with my 16-year-old daughter who was sharing with me her feelings regarding a situation with her friends at school. I have been in program for six-and-a-half years, and thinking about this interaction with my daughter sent me back twelve years ago, to when I was in the food, my life was unmanageable, and I was a raging mum. That day, my two-year-old son was sitting in his high chair. My then four-year-old daughter must have done something wrong—I can’t even remember what—because I was yelling and screaming at her, my tense, red face so close to hers that she was walking backwards. I was throwing the tea towel on the floor, pacing back and forth from the kitchen to the living room, waving my arms in the air like a mad woman. I caught the look on my son’s face and all I could see was fear in his eyes. He scrunched himself as small as he could in his chair, making sure he wasn’t making any noise. I didn’t hit either of them, but I definitely thought I had scarred them for life. After that moment I thought, “oh, this is who I really am. This is the true me: a raging mum.” I hated myself for that.

Raising children has been my priority since I became a mum, and although each stage has its challenges and beautiful moments, I have always been terrified of facing the teenage years. But today, I don’t have to be a miserable, controlling mum. I am learning patience, tolerance, and acceptance around my children. When I want to lecture them, I ask my higher power to help me find the motive of my communication, and I am reminded to act from my heart, not from my fears. When I stop controlling my kids, I give them the space they need to become empowered to choose their own journeys. The tools of the program help me face life, good or bad. I love how, in each challenge I face, with children, work, health, friends, I always find a fellow member of FA who has gone before me, who can understand me, and who can share how they went through the challenge. Every day, I pray to be able to give back what is so generously given to me.

 

This story was originally published in the connection Magazine. Subscribe to the connection Magazine for more stories of recovery. Or submit your own story of recovery.