A Story of Recovery:

From That Night On I Accepted

I had become a recluse. I could no longer read or write, the tools of my profession. I was not paying my bills because all of my money and time was going to maintaining my addiction. A phone battle with a bill collector was the final straw. As he demanded payment for an overdue account, I stared in front of me at what my last five dollars had bought me: a binge at a local sandwich shop. I slammed down the phone in humiliation and prayed for God to give me the strength to do the exact opposite of whatever my head was telling me to do so that I could begin to climb out of the hole I had dug.

That week an FA member asked me to go to a meeting. My head screamed, “Don’t go!” But I cheerfully thanked her for asking me and promised to show up.

At the meeting, I knew it was no mistake that I was there. God was presenting me with my solution. I heard the definition of abstinence and knew it could work for me. I had been living on flour and sugar. Doing the opposite could save my life. I asked my FA friend to be my sponsor. She told me what to eat for breakfast, to go buy a scale, and to call her early in the morning.

I did what she said, and knew that everything she suggested was right for me, but God was I angry! Why did this have to be my answer? How was I supposed to get through a whole day with only three meals, no sugar and no flour? I was desperately afraid that I would never be able to maintain the lifestyle that FA was shaping for me. I had no strength and no courage.

But God was merciful to me. My Higher Power knows I am weak of mind, heart, and body, and so He made the weight loss that occurred in my first 30 days extremely noticeable. I had tangible evidence that not eating addictively was benefiting me.  I saw my round face narrowing. I no longer minded looking in the mirror.  This program was working for me, and I could trust that God was too.

During my second month in Program, I definitely “came to” regarding the unmanageability of my life. I lost my long-distance phone for non-payment, I could not figure out how to prep all my food and get to my job on time every day, and I fell asleep in every one of my meetings. I absolutely could not get my monthly report cards in on time, and I was losing my boyfriend even as I was shedding all my weight. How had everything gotten so bad?

I took copious notes during my sponsor call about all the different ways I could make my life more manageable. I learned about phone calling cards, frozen vegetables, Excel databases, and extra quiet time and prayer. It all helped. I also joined an AWOL during my second month in program. The discussion in the meetings went over my head, but the long car rides before and after with my sponsor, and the dinners before the meeting, cemented my connections in the fellowship. Yes I was crazy, but I was going to get better. These people, with all their wisdom, were going to help me. That was the month I “came to believe” in the members of FA.

The most significant event in my third month in FA was speaking at meetings.  One night I shared about all that “you people” had taught me and how grateful I was for “your” program. At the break, my sponsor quietly pointed out that FA was my program too and that I was now one of “you.”  That floored me. I hadn’t realized how much I was still holding back from the fellowship, or how much I had actually given myself to it. From that night on, I accepted that this was my chosen way of life, not a destination I was just visiting. I was an addict who needed this Twelve-Step program to live and who wanted to give it away to anyone who needed it.

I couldn’t believe this change—this was me? A woman who three months earlier could not imagine helping herself, let alone anyone else? FA can make powerful change possible.