A Story of Recovery:

From Turmoil to Peace: Travelling the FA Road

Last night, as I was making my dinner, negative thoughts started plaguing me, as fear and anxiety crept into my heart. The first thing I need to do when this happens is “stop and reconnect,” as one of my FA friends has reminded me several times.  But negativity was winning the battle, and chopping and cooking seemed to be taking priority.

Fortunately, God had a different plan. The phone rang. Someone I had briefly met while attending an FA Information Session called. She shared with beautiful honesty how much fear she was feeling about family and financial insecurity. The chopping and the cooking went on hold, and I listened. As I continued to listen to the facts of the story, I knew in my heart that she had no reason to feel afraid about her life. Things were going to fall into place, I had no doubt. I knew because they have in my life and they continue to do so. I shared with her my experience.

I came into FA at 24 years of age, with almost 40 lbs more on my body than I have today (that’s on a five foot person!) and with absolute desperation. Food had become my everything, and had taken over my life, interests and dreams. It wasn’t that I didn’t have any dreams. I had thousands of them, but had no clue how to get my act together so I could make them a reality. This lack of sense and direction made me think that it would be a great idea to go to a convent in Canada (in the winter), just in case God wanted me to be a nun and I hadn’t realized it. I was looking for calm and peace and I thought a convent would do the trick.  I was wrong! I’m sure convents are great places for many people when their motives are in the right place. But for this food addict, who was trying to run away from life, it wasn’t.

The sisters were kind and generous and always had food available. They baked and cooked every day, as if preparing for a feast. I ate their meals and then stole food to bring to my room, although it was not allowed. I knew I had to leave the convent. I couldn’t deal with the free food, but I didn’t know how to stop. I had eaten up all the money I had saved to start my new life in Canada, and couldn’t continue asking my mom and sister for more.

I was in great turmoil and had no option but to come into FA, which I had joined and left a few months before. Making the decision to come back into FA was hard, really hard, but it was much harder to live with the internal turmoil.

There are no words to describe the gratitude I have for the person who picked up the phone and said, “Yes, I’ll help you”. Since that day, my life has changed from complete despair and confusion to gratitude, hope and peace. My sponsor introduced me to the FA tools. It was suggested that I make three calls a day to people with long-term recovery. And that is exactly what I did. As soon as I started calling these people, I found they understood what I myself had not understood at the time. These people understood the discomfort in my chest, the emptiness in my stomach and the anxiety that felt so strong in my entire body.  The only thing I knew at the time was how to medicate with food.

One of my biggest fears during those early days was that I wasn’t going to find a place that I could afford, so I could leave the convent and move into the city. This is the story that I shared with my friend. I had no money left, and depended completely on the kindness and generosity of the nuns. I was looking for an alternative, but I knew almost no one in Montreal and could hardly speak English, let alone French. I was terrified, but my sponsor told me, “You will be fine, just don’t eat. Talk to people, pray, take quiet time. You will be just fine”.

That day, I didn’t eat. Instead, I picked up the phone and called someone who became my good friend in program. She said she understood the fear, but she knew it was unreal. She told me to ask God for what I wanted. She asked “Do you want a home?” I said yes. She asked if I would like it to be warm and cozy, with good roommates and in the city. I answered yes to all of those questions. Then she said, “Tell God all this and then thank Him for the beautiful place that is out there for you”. I did that for a few days, and surprise! I found a place that was beyond my expectations. It wasn’t a mansion, but it was perfect for me. Not only did I find the place I needed, but also found a source of income to support myself while I was learning French. The home I found was inhabited by two great French guys, who are still my friends. It was located in one of the trendiest neighborhoods of Montreal, and a 3 minute walk from my French school. The house was lovely, newly renovated, warm and cozy just as I wanted it. I realized there had been nothing to fear.

God always has good things in store for us, and I have a wonderful program that reminds me of that when I forget. I’ve learned that God is a God of abundance, who can only be limited by my doubts and fears. Since coming into FA, I have gone back to University and finished my degree, I have gotten a job beyond my dreams, I have moved cities to be closer to fellowship, and basically gotten my life together.  I started out in FA as a little (broke) girl with no direction and no goals.  I have become a woman with a sense of myself, who knows where she’s going and continues to build more and more trust in a Higher Power, who always provides. After telling this story to my friend, she started to feel much better. She was happy she had made a call, and I was so happy that I had taken it. It was exactly what I needed, in order to get out of my own fear and anxiety.  And the bonus was that I had also helped someone else! After that call, I had a peaceful, abstinent dinner at home. As I mentioned earlier, my first place in Canada was pretty awesome. The place I have now is even more so!