A Story of Recovery:

Fueling Up

It was always my dream to be able to eat whatever I wanted, without consequence. The “consequence” I had in mind involved gaining weight. I was always taught in my family that it was a virtue, something to strive for, to be able to eat with impunity—to anything you liked and remain skinny. That was my mom’s idea of Nirvana. But for me, this doesn’t exist.

When I came into FA and got a food plan, I thought it would be impossible to put down flour or sugar. But desperation was on my side, and I was willing to try anything. I told myself that I would just get through the day. I made deals with myself that I would just “try” it for one month, or one week. It was never going to be “forever.”

Within maybe the first or second day, my cravings started to go away. I felt alive, full of energy, and I felt legitimately hungry when it came time for my next meal. I had been so scared of feeling hungry that I never let myself get to that point unless I was restricting on purpose for a diet. But when 4 -6 hours had elapsed, my new weighed and measured meal was so healthy, and burned so clean, that my body felt it was time to fuel up again. It wasn’t the kind of hunger that could not be satisfied. It wasn’t the kind of craving where I had to decide whether to satiate it with crunchy, sweet, salty, creamy, etc. It was real, true hunger that said, “It is now time for your body to fuel up again.” And it was okay.

I was not hungry between my meals. Slowly I began to adopt the tools of the program. I became less afraid to make calls. I made notes on the phone list at meetings about who spoke and became willing to call those people. I became less resentful and more involved each morning on my sponsor call. I became actually interested in reading the AA Big Book and paying attention at my meetings, and I started to raise my hand more to do the readings.

I have to admit that a major cause of my “suffering” was my craving foods. I loved food. I wanted to eat and enjoy food. I bought All-Clad cookware and loved hosting dinner parties and dreaming up fantastic menus that would impress my guests. But all this craving of food never led to happiness. It only led to misery, and I became more and more obese.

I am grateful that FA makes sense to me. My cravings are mostly gone. If I do begin to have food thoughts, I now ask myself what is going on for me emotionally. There is almost always some underlying emotional reason why I have a food thought. My food plan is enough. I will not go hungry eating my weighed and measured meals.