A Story of Recovery:

“Getting” Quiet Time?

Quiet time. When I first started Program, those two words struck fear in my heart. I dreaded quiet time like an insomniac dreads bedtime. My mind raced like a hamster on a wheel.

What’s on my to-do list for today? I need to remember to go to Staples, go to Staples, go to Staples; I’m going to forget. I need to write it down. I’m supposed to be quiet, not write.  I’m not doing this right. I can’t stand just sitting here. I could be getting things done. I’ve got a lot to do. This is stupid. Nothing’s happening here, except I want to jump out of my skin. What am I supposed to be doing while I just sit here? I don’t even know what my Higher Power is, let alone have “conscious contact.” What do you mean, “Take it to quiet time?”

I talked to other FA members and to my sponsor. I tried several ways of “following my breath —deep breathing, counting inhales and exhales, breathing in trust, breathing out fear. I tried being “mindful” and watching my thoughts like they were on a conveyor belt, bringing my mind back to now, feeling my body, listening to the sounds of the birds. I tried focusing on a reading from the Twenty-Four Hours a Day book or Alcoholics Anonymous, on a problem I was having, or just on a word. Everything worked—for about 5-10 minutes, and then the crazies came back. I felt, as with so many things, that I was doing it wrong.

Then my sponsor told me that quiet time was a gift. She said that it was 30 minutes when no one could want me or demand anything of me, when I didn’t have to do anything or feel guilty about not doing anything. It was probably the only time of the day when that was so. I didn’t have to do quiet time, I got to do quiet time. If I just used it to center myself, my life would go more smoothly. So, for many years, quiet time became just that – a time of quiet, a time of centering. No burning bushes, just peace.

Then, slowly but surely, the hamster got back on his wheel, and recently quiet time has become torturous again. As before, I turned to my fellows to learn how they do quiet time.

I spoke to a woman who takes quiet time in the same red chair each morning. She finds a source of strength, where she can be with her conscience, her understanding of herself, or just be quiet. Times when it’s hardest for her are when she has an agenda; then she focuses on her breathing or on a good feeling—when she’s been thoughtful to someone or someone has been good to her. She thinks about the best of the human spirit or nature.  Quiet time is not just in the morning for her. When she’s at work and her defects come up—resentment, fear, or gossip—she goes into the bathroom and quickly gets herself into a quiet mental place and asks for help. It’s a tool that’s central to her life.

Another person sometimes visualizes God holding her in His arms or walking with her, and she feels childlike, like He’s taking care of her. Sometimes she wants answers; she doesn’t always get them, but sometimes she does. Sometimes she knows the answer, and in quiet time gets the courage to follow through. She wishes it was focused all the time, but it’s not. She doesn’t usually feel like her problems are going to be solved or that she’s going to have a fabulous day, but she just knows that she feels ready after she takes quiet time. She uses it throughout the day when she gets revved up. Her family knows she needs quiet time because they can see its effect on her.

One FA member I spoke to often finds it a frustrating experience. She tries to connect with her Higher Power, but says her mind is all over the place. She tries to say the third step prayer slowly and mindfully. She tries to work it, feel it, believe it, and translate it into surrender in her life. She can’t always do that. Sometimes she says it by rote and sometimes she can feel it. She asks for help for different things, but mostly the knowledge of God’s will for her and the power to carry that out. Her mind can be like a runaway train, but she’s trying. She gets frustrated, but she feels that her Higher Power must understand that she just has a runaway mind.

One man takes quiet time in a special chair. For him, quiet time is just that; to be still and know that he is with God. He was miserable and beat himself up because he didn’t know how to connect with God. He doesn’t do that anymore. He just tries and shows up. He just settles with being still. That’s enough. He keeps his expectations low—he knows he’s not going to be Gandhi! The fact that he’s still for 30 minutes and not doing something else is enough of a challenge. He looks at his cell phone a lot to figure out how much time he has left. He tries to breathe, to be at peace. He just shows up, and whatever happens that day, he feels that is the way he’s supposed to be. He does feel like his day is incomplete if he doesn’t take quiet time; there’s something different about his day when he does. He also takes it at other times, like at work. Just being able to get calm and quiet and separate himself from a situation for just a minute or two helps.

One fellow never sets an alarm because she is always checking the clock to see what time it is. She’s struggled with this for a long time because she’s been told you’re supposed to commune with God during this time and she’s not even sure what this means. Sometimes she just struggles to figure it out and her mind gets all muddled up with the fact that she’s not doing it right.  She’s been in Program for a lot of years and just keeps going with it, trying to empty her mind. Sometimes, if she just says “re-lax, re-lax,” by the very end of quiet time, she’ll feel peaceful.

And another person sits up in bed and aims right now just to learn to trust God. She can hear the birds in the early morning and that helps her to center herself, although some days she can’t tell if that’s peaceful or it’s her falling asleep! Sometimes she brings things to quiet time, like financial insecurity. She can see the difference when she doesn’t do that.

Through my FA fellows and my sponsor, I found my answer. I am not “terminally unique,” there is no one “right way,” many of us have racing minds, and just sitting still for 30 minutes is an achievement. Showing up is the critical component, and for some indescribable reason, no matter how you do it, it works.