A Story of Recovery:

Getting the Message

Through my teens and twenties, I struggled with food obsession, weight, and alcohol. Prior to coming into FA, I got what I wanted when I wanted it. I just couldn’t tell myself no, and I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but I knew I was overweight and that I hated myself. I spent two years in another Twelve-Step program trying to love myself, but that didn’t work.

I found recovery from my food addiction when I was 36. After 18 years in recovery and 19 years at my current job, I applied for a new position in my organization. I almost didn’t apply because it seemed like a lot of work to write a resume after so many years. I hadn’t been on an interview in 20 years and thought it would be too stressful. When I shared all of this with my sponsor, she said, “I hear fear.”

I was sure she was wrong, but I took the issue back to my quiet time and realized that I was afraid of failing. I cried and asked God to remove my fear. I called my sponsor back and told her I was going to apply and that I had asked God to give me the courage to take the next step. I hired someone to help me write the resume and letter of intent, walked into the personnel office, and handed it all in. I left feeling like I’d accomplished something. When I got into the car, I said, “Okay, God, thank you for the courage. Now it’s all up to you.”

A few days later I was called for an interview. I couldn’t believe how scared I was. I prepared myself as well as I could and told God I would be myself and do my best. Then I got a second interview, which went even better than the first. After each interview, I said, “Okay, God, Thy will be done, not mine.”

I didn’t get the job that I knew I would be perfect for. When I got the email notifying me that I hadn’t gotten it, I felt sick. I was embarrassed and not a little self-pitying, but I kept listing things I was grateful for, and I repeated, “Thank God I’m abstinent.”

I wasn’t used to not getting what I wanted, and even though I always eventually learn to adjust to what I get and feel grateful, I wasn’t there yet. Every time I replayed the interview in my head, I went to a bad place. I imagined the people who had interviewed me talking about me. I felt rejected and incapable. This was happening in my head two days later as my family was driving to a reunion. I was at the wheel and everyone else was sleeping in the car. As the scene began to replay in my head, the knot began to form in my stomach, and my serenity slowly slipped away. I began to pray. I don’t always expect or get a quick response from my Higher Power, but I happened to be coming upon an overpass. When I looked up, I saw these words: “Don’t worry.” A few miles later, on the next overpass, I saw the words, “Be happy.” I asked my husband, now awake, if he had seen that, and he hadn’t. I drove on to the next overpass and saw, “Drive.” I thought to myself, God has spoken: Don’t worry, be happy, do what’s in front of you.

A few weeks passed and I found myself traveling on the very same highway. As I neared the stretch of road where I had seen those messages painted on the overpasses, I began to watch for them again. I watched for miles and miles and never saw them. It didn’t really matter if they were there or not. I had gotten the message I needed, when I needed it. I always do.