A Story of Recovery:
Gift of Desperation
I joined FA July 15. The summer increased my desire to be thin. I was ashamed of my body so my insecurity was at its worst during this season. In addition to the shame about my external appearance, there were internal motivators that made my weight unbearable. I felt I was made up of all the greasy, fatty foods I consumed. The summer made me feel like a product created in a deep fryer. I started every year with a great resolve to lose weight and commit to a healthy lifestyle. By the summer I would be searching for a way to lose a hundred pounds in 3 months.
I am 5’2” and weighed 240 pounds when I started FA. I felt defeated in every area of my life. I wanted to escape the burden of carrying my oversized body. The physical and emotional pain I had to endure because of the inability to control my eating tormented me. I felt miserable every day. I was desperate. I didn’t realize what a gift my desperation was to become. I now cherish that gift. My desperation enabled me to find FA, admit my powerlessness over food and gave me the willingness to surrender to this program of recovery. I will be forever grateful.
Although I can be stubborn, sensitive and crippled by pride, when it came to my food issues I needed the help offered in FA. I had trouble identifying with the idea that I was a food addict. I decided to learn as much as I could about the FA program and food addiction. I was too desperate to let an issue over semantics get in the way of the solution I had found. I trusted the rest would fall into place when it was meant to. By staying open minded and honest about my behavior with food, I was able to see that I am a food addict. Thank God “the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop eating addictively”. If there had been any others I would not have stayed.
FA explains that food addicts are dealing with food allergies. I could relate to this idea. I have no control over my body’s reaction when it comes in contact with an allergen. Let’s take for example wool. If I wear wool I get a rash. Once I have a rash, I am powerless over my ability to ignore the itch it produces. I am incapable of resisting the urge to scratch. When I eat flour, sugar and unlimited anything, I feel like I get a rash internally. It starts a craving that desperately needs relief. I become consumed by the need to stop the craving. Inevitably I must give in to the urge to eat. In both cases my body has an involuntary reaction that renders me incapable of ignoring its demands for relief.
Temporary physical discomfort is not the only way an allergy can manifest. Some allergic reactions are fatal. FA helped me realize that my allergy to flour, sugar and quantities could cause a reaction similar to anaphylactic shock. In an instant my body could suffer irreversible damage as a direct result of eating the wrong foods. Vital organs can lose their ability to function properly. It may sound extreme but heart attacks, stokes, and the effects of unstable sugar levels, are perfect examples of how quickly my body could shut down when if exposed to the wrong substance.
My recovery began when I decided to trust the insight of the people in FA. I took the suggestion not to go out to eat until I reached 90 days of abstinence. This helped me avoid the temptation to overeat and eliminated the risk of being exposed to any food allergens. I had no idea how to choose foods or calculate quantities that wouldn’t create food cravings. After 10 years in FA, I still limit how often I eat a meal I didn’t prepare.
It has been enlightening to learn that before FA, my primary reason for attending most social gatherings was the abundance of food that would be present. It is empowering to know that I can attend social occasions and skip the meal. I have learned to decline invitations to events that are not good for my recovery. I can make wise choices about the social situations I go to if I check my motives before making a decision to attend. I am able to maintain my abstinence at food inclusive events, when I make protecting it my top priority.
There are events where my attendance is not optional. Some occasions are too special to miss. For these situations, I have learned ways to stay abstinent. The safest bet is to eat before I go or bring my own food. I can also arrive after the meal has been served. If I don’t want to be late, I can excuse myself and eat my weighed and measured meal in a discrete area while others are eating. This method works great at ceremonies, potlucks and company parties. People tend to be so involved with getting their own food needs met they rarely notice my absence during the meal. If someone does ask why I am not eating, I simply say I have already eaten or I am not hungry.
When it comes to eating in a restaurant it is best if I have planned in advance. Researching a restaurant’s menu online beforehand is helpful. If I have questions about the menu, I can call the kitchen for clarification and make special requests if necessary. This approach can work with catered events or intimate home gatherings, however adding stress to an overwhelmed host may not be appropriate. As a food addict it is my responsibility to stay abstinent. It is not realistic or wise to expect others to personally accommodate my food issues in certain situations.
Achieving and maintaining a healthy weight are not the only benefits of joining FA. I have peace, clarity, and emotional stability that couldn’t exist while eating addictively. My spiritual recovery has been special. I am grateful that in FA each member is free to work out their spiritual beliefs with the spirit that moves them personally. Choosing to start each day with a half hour of quiet time has allowed me to build a relationship with a God of my understanding. I am at a loss of words when I try to describe the magnitude of love and gratitude I have for the spirit that lives inside of me. FA has been instrumental in making this union possible.
To stay successful in FA I have to be dedicated, consistent and willing to endure challenges. I have to make a daily commitment to recovery and work the tools. I must be honest. These actions will increase my spiritual fitness. When I am spiritually fit, I am available to help others, I don’t have the temptation to eat addictively and I enjoy neutrality around food. When I first got to FA I was told that if I worked this program as it is laid out, it is a guarantee that I would lose all the weight I wanted and be able to keep it off. That guarantee came true in my life. I have lost 115 pounds in this program but it’s what I have gained that keeps me showing up and willing to give back.