A Story of Recovery:

Grateful After 25 Years of Abstinence

My top weight was 285 pounds, so it was obvious that I was eating large amounts of food. The amounts consumed, however, didn’t come close to the amount of time that was consumed by the obsessive thoughts that controlled my head. What can I eat, how can I eat, where can I eat, what can I buy, how can I sneak it, how can I cook it?  These thoughts were wild in my head. I didn’t know how to shut the voices out. I was uncomfortable in my body, in my skin, and in my personality, which was too often unpleasant. My enthusiasm for life had diminished, and most days seemed like a struggle.

Although I had heard about a Twelve-Step program a couple of years before 1985, it wasn’t anything that I pursued. I guess I hadn’t had enough pain. At that time, I was not as heavy and not as controlled by the food, but this is a progressive disease. It took another 30 pounds or so before I heard about Program again and went to a meeting. Thank you God!

I heard hope. I heard people share that they had been much heavier, had followed the program, and were in normal size bodies and enjoying life again. Their eyes sparkled. They wore nice makeup and they were well groomed. They shared their gratitude and related their personal stories of the changes that had happened by coming into this program. For the first time in years, I felt hopeful that it was possible to lose over 100 pounds and maintain that loss. I made a decision to start.

Within two weeks, I got a sponsor and started working the program. I won’t say I jumped up and down at the prospect of weighing and measuring all my food, eliminating certain types of food, and not eating in-between meals, but I was willing, one day at a time, and I was told that willingness was all it took. It was an absolute miracle.

I had been at that place where I couldn’t get from upstairs first thing in the morning to going to work without breaking my resolution not to eat excessively that day. But the day after I joined FA it was different. I committed my food to my sponsor, went off to work with my meal containers, and came home to make an abstinent meal. I obtained my very first day of abstinence, and I was thrilled.

I won’t say that I never got hungry or found myself in front of the refrigerator or cabinet door, but something was different. I truly believed that with hope, daily guidance, and exact dos and don’ts, that this time it was possible to move forward, and that’s what I did. One day at a time, I prepared and ate abstinently, started making phone calls (difficult at first), and went to meetings. Basically, I put some structure into my life where there hadn’t been positive structure for quite some time. I got used to the buying, cutting, chopping, and weighing until it became second nature. I had things I could do when I got hungry, angry, lonely, bored, or hurt…I could make a phone call to another fellow, read my starter packet that had been given to me my first night, read the literature that had been suggested, stay out of the kitchen, and go to bed…all things to keep away from that first addictive bite.

I couldn’t believe it when the days started adding up and I was abstinent for an entire week. Because I ate three balanced meals, I wasn’t ravenous. And when I felt hungry, I remembered that it meant I was losing weight…hurray!

And then my first weigh-in came after a month. I knew I had lost weight. I could feel it in my clothes. I lost 22 pounds—the size of a Thanksgiving turkey, and was I ever thankful! My head was clearing up from all the voices, and I started feeling like I belonged to a group of people who cared about each other and wanted to help each other.

Over the next couple of months, my mood swings started leveling off to the point where my husband noticed. Even my headaches weren’t as severe as they had been. Of course they weren’t, I wasn’t putting poison into my body that aggravated headaches. My knees weren’t hurting quite as much. My back didn’t ache so much in the morning when I got up. And I kept losing weight because I kept weighing and measuring and being honest. I was accountable to my sponsor and my group and it felt good not to be failing in another attempt to lose weight.

My family was rooting for me. They were hopeful that I would continue. Even my co-workers were cheering me on after a couple of months, although it took them awhile, since they had seen me give up so many times before. The weight kept coming off. I lost around 45-50 pounds in the first three months. My sponsor said I was melting away, and I was. At this point, I had a foundation and didn’t want to mess it up. I kept moving forward one day at a time and lost all my weight in a little less than a year.

I lost weight and gained so much in its place. I was growing mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I started feeling better about myself and not being so hard on myself and others. I became open to the spirituality of the program, began to believe there was a Higher Power that was there for me, and understood that all I had to do was practice believing and trusting. There was a shift happening in me that I didn’t yet understand, but it felt good and I just let it happen. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t been willing to do this program for just one day… and then another day… and another, which was the beginning of a life-changing process.

I recently had the gift and privilege of celebrating 25 years of abstinence. When I look back, I am still amazed and so grateful for each day, week, month, and year that I have not been addictively driven by food.