A Story of Recovery:

Happy as You Make Up Your Mind to Be

Recently my husband and I had the luxury of spending a week in the Florida sunshine…a most welcome break from January in Vermont. Our hotel was right on the beach, our days were sunny and in the 70’s, and not once did I set an alarm clock—no schedule, no agenda. We were in an area where there are FA meetings, and I had the opportunity to qualify and see some FA fellows whom I don’t see very often. Sounds good, right? And good it was.

The problem I had was when I got home. I currently hold two jobs, so all of a sudden, there was a need for the alarm clock, there was an agenda, there was a schedule, and there was cold air and gray skies. The party was definitely over, and I was back to the daily grind of my life.

At one of my jobs, we were in the throes of learning a whole new record-keeping system. I am not your basic technocrat, not by a long shot. I had to learn this new system; the old one was no longer an option, and it all felt very out of control. My other job was presenting challenges of its own.

I was grateful for the vacation, really I was, but I allowed fear, doubt, insecurity, and all kinds of negativity to drown out the gratitude. The pit I was spiraling into was all too familiar. It is a place of despair, despondency and self-hatred, a place in which I used to live. This was not something I expected after seven years in FA. I felt like I had been in recovery for maybe seven minutes!

So what did I do? Fortunately, these last seven years have given me tools with which to work, specific things to do, whether I feel like it or not. I used them all. In my phone calls, I honestly let people know what I was thinking and feeling. I talked to my Higher Power constantly, even though I wasn’t sure anything would result from that. I was “acting as if” I had all the faith in the world. I got on my knees, read and re-read the FA literature, took suggestions from my sponsor and from other fellows, wrote about the experience, and kept my food sparkly clean.

After several days, I did not feel much better, but I just kept on keeping on. I showed up in all the places where I needed to be, and tried to behave myself by not letting my own negativity spill out onto others. I kept doing the things that I have been doing for the last seven years.

Then one morning on the way to work, I was suddenly overwhelmed by this desire, this need, to get out of the problem and start living in the solution. I thought about the phrase from the Just for Today card that quotes Abraham Lincoln as saying, “Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”  I pounded the steering wheel with my fist and said, out loud, “I am going to be in a good mood today!” I made a decision. It was not a feeling; it was clearly a decision.

The black cloud that had been following me around (because I let it) was lifted. I had one of the best days at work that I’d had in a long time. People who don’t normally notice me said good morning. I laughed, was present and productive, and felt lighter than I had since I was walking on the beach in Florida.

The biggest lesson I have learned from the experience is this: by living this program one day at a time, by doing what is suggested—all of it—from weighing and measuring my food to getting on my knees, to being honest, is that the program has seeped into my cells and my bone marrow. I know that the disease of food addiction is there, too, but it is no match for the daily working of this program and a strong faith in a Higher Power. I am under no illusion that I did any of this alone.