A Story of Recovery:

Hide and Sneak

I remember wanting food, lots of it, no matter what it was. Day after day, I filled myself with whatever was available, usually flour and sugar if I could find it, but sometimes I would even eat fruit or protein, or anything I could get my hands on. I don’t know when the shame and guilt started, but when it did, I started to hide, sneak, and steal. Then my weight went up, and the comments started to come. It never occurred to me to stop eating, but I actually don’t think I could have. I just kept eating, hiding, stealing food, and feeling more and more shame and guilt. It seemed like I became 200 pounds overnight.

My siblings didn’t have serious problems with weight, but my mother had always been overweight, so it seemed like my fate was sealed. I was the youngest in a family of seven, and my sisters were quite a bit older than me. My brothers were teasers, so I felt set apart, different, and fat. I became my mom’s eating buddy, and this felt very confusing, because although we ate together, I felt criticized and pitied for my obesity. The push and pull of rejection and acceptance took a toll on my psyche. I began to feel depressed, detached, and isolated.

I found other substances that seemed to help. I began to fit in with a group of people who were not really good for me, but I felt that I belonged. Using alcohol, cigarettes, and marijuana helped me fit in with them, and my weight didn’t matter so much. I found clothes that were similar to the clothes my friends wore. We often wore men’s clothes, even men’s shoes. I felt like I was part of a group, and this helped with my feelings of inadequacy. The grace of God carried me during those years of abusing substances, driving while intoxicated, and getting poor grades. I did manage to graduate from high school and college, but all I remember is a lot partying.

In my final year of college, I started to lose weight when I went on a low- calorie diet. My daily intake consisted of my planned alcohol consumption and then what was left over in calories for food. I continued to smoke cigarettes and marijuana. I have no idea how I made it through. My life continued this way for a few more years, until I got married. We had three children, and my weight went up and down from pregnancy and from my addiction to food. I could control food for a while, but would always go back to overeating. I lost and gained over 80 pounds three times.

When I walked into my first FA meeting, I weighed 230 pounds. Then I lost 95 pounds in Program. FA is different from anything I had ever tried before.  I have a sponsor who cares, and I have tools that really work. I have found peace from a higher power, support from a growing fellowship, and freedom from obsession and compulsion with food. It has been a challenging time to strip myself of old habits and thought processes and to be open to replacing them with new healthy ones.

I used to spend a lot of time in the kitchen making meals for my family, trying many concoctions and baking things that would please them, but now I keep it simple. I cook healthy meals and feel good about what I serve my family. I used to spend hours in the grocery store mulling over all the products, but now it’s usually a quick trip around the parameter of the store—and out.

I feel especially good about the fact that I am now very present and available for my family, no longer focusing all my attention on food.

I am grateful for the fellowship and for this pattern for living. I am thankful for a loving and disciplined sponsor, who dares to speak her truth so I might find mine. I have been guided to find out who I am, what life can offer me, and what I can offer life. I have become less self-centered, but more self-caring. I am grateful for the solution I have found.