A Story of Recovery:

Holding on to Character Defects

I am back in England visiting my father, sitting in the bedroom of the house he moved into about 20 years ago. Little has changed in the house, and the views all look the same; the morning fog rising off Romney Marsh, dotted with its sheep, and the River Rother, lined with fishing boats snaking through it. The seagulls squawk and clatter about on the clay-tiled roof, and the distant cooing of wood pigeons is as comforting as ever. What is completely different is how I feel.

I grew up in England with my father and left angry at both at the age of 23. England and my father were the root of my troubles, and I was headed for California, land of the free. I have come back to visit every year or so for the last 23 years.

Initially my visits were long and drawn out, at least a month, and I was very lost. I hadn’t found my way in California and was equally at sea back in England. Food was my solace: days were spent in front of the TV, eating to numb out my thoughts. The house is in a quaint medieval town, with a small castle built in 1250 next door. The town is awash with tea shops for tourists, and I trudged back and forth endlessly buying treats to soothe my wounded soul.

When I got abstinent in FA 12 years ago, I learned that I needed to keep my visits to England under two weeks because of my AWOL. I was outraged! But I never forget how amazed I was that 12 days was more than enough and actually made the trip far more pleasant and manageable, no longer the crazy complicated production I had always made it.

This trip is only five days, and I’m even more amazed at how good that feels. What a relief to not be traveling all over the country, trying to cram stuff in and exhausting myself. It is remarkably peaceful to feel focused and not concerned about what I might be missing. I am such a “two for the price of one” person, that it is very foreign to travel all this way and not do a million other things. I actually now feel that I am enough, I have enough, and I do enough. I’m not even trying to fill my suitcase with half of England to take back; I’m just here to visit my Dad.

I know the AWOLs are working, because I feel so differently towards my Dad. There have been many times, even in abstinence, when I have come to England all set to straighten up his life. He has adult onset diabetes and lives on flour and sugar. One can hardly move in the house among all the papers and stuff, pens that no longer work, three-legged chairs, broken jugs etc. My brother and I have come and cleaned out the fridge of rotting food, cleared the cupboards of cans that were 10 years past the expiration date, and helped sort his papers enough to be able to eat at the dining room table. Within weeks it is all the same—somehow more cans of expired food even appear!

This trip I feel more accepting of who he is and that he is just as his Higher Power intended, and that I am powerless over him and have plenty of work to do on myself. When I feel angry or disappointed, with God’s help, I have been turning to compassion and acceptance—“God Bless him, change me.” I hardly know myself. I used to constantly make jabbing remarks at him; my goal on this trip is to be kind.

I am on day three of this five-day visit, and have let out an irritated remark just once so far. I asked God for help immediately and stopped. For so many years I have felt venomous in his company—angry, judgmental, self-righteous, and negative. It is incredible to feel relaxed and have a sense of peace and wellbeing in his presence. I no longer feel compelled to change everything to the way that I wish it was.

In early abstinence, I was so afraid of eating while at my father’s that I was desperately glued to the phone, insanely rigid about mealtimes, and crazy trying to go to meetings. I am grateful I stayed abstinent, and even more appreciative today to feel the contented abstinence that I heard about. Just for today, I don’t feel afraid that food is going to jump into my mouth because I’m with my father.

I attribute many of these changes to my last Fifth Step three months ago, when I told my sponsor all about myself. I stayed with her for a couple of days, and she helped me see some things concerning my food and my weight where I had merely complied and not surrendered. Since then, I have asked my Higher Power to help me see how I had not surrendered and how I could let go absolutely. It has brought an incredible peace.

As a result, working Step Six and Seven (becoming willing to let go of my shortcomings and asking my Higher Power for help to do so) has been concrete and effective. At home my husband gets the brunt of my character defects in the form of snide remarks and not being loving and kind. For the past couple of months, I have been practicing asking God for help to keep my mouth shut when I’m about to be nasty, and for help to be kind. The practice with my husband was good preparation for being different with my Dad.  It has worked so well that not only my behavior, but also my attitude, is changing!

Before FA I gave up smoking and eventually the desire was lifted completely. I wondered if that could ever happen with food, and miraculously it has, most of the time. Then I began to wonder if that could happen with my character defects. I seemed to be more willful with some of them than with food. Could I really grow up and stop being childish and self-centered? It appears that if I surrender and am willing to do the work of the Twelve Steps, my Higher Power’s miracles are without bounds.

I became aware of my poor treatment of my Dad long before I changed the behavior. He treated my brother and I so poorly that it was easy to try and justify it. I wanted to change because I knew it was poisoning me and all my other relationships, but I was still so resentful, that everything came out sideways. I have made so many apologies to him and then repeated the behavior, that “sorry” has become meaningless. I am finally learning to make living amends.

My father is 82 now and in poor health. Each time I visit, I don’t know if it will be the last time I’ll see him. I am grateful to FA and my sponsor that, this time, not only can I leave without regretting how I behaved, but I can feel love for him. If I can be nice to my Dad and feel loving towards him, the possibilities for change are limitless!