A Story of Recovery:

Homecomings

Right now I am using my program to stop obsessing about skinny jeans. And for all you newcomers, yep, working the FA program makes a person skinny. But then what do I do with a mind that wants to obsess on getting more and more and more pairs of skinny jeans? It is just like with the food; my brain lies and says that if I get xyz then I will feel peaceful and satisfied. Not true! God brings peace and in God’s time. So, I think writing for the connection will probably get me closer to God than giving in to my jeans craziness.

I have been back for a couple of weeks from visiting my parents in Oregon. I had not been back to the place where I grew up and lived for about 15 years. I saw no reason for going back. It never occurred to me. I had “suffered” under my parents’ rules for as long as I could stand it. ‘Why would anyone go back?’ was my attitude when my boyfriend at the time had suggested it.

We did go back to visit and all I remember was being annoyed because my parents put a damper on my food and other addictions. At one point my mom said that I could have more of a particular food item only if I wouldn’t go throw it up. I just looked at her like she was loony and kept getting more food anyway. There was no way I could stop eating and throwing up. She would have had to physically fight me and she didn’t bring it up again.

I have been abstinent for six years now, thank you God, and I have done a lot of things that I was once completely opposed to doing. It was always because of fear. And the results of doing it anyway are always and eventually AWESOME! When my sponsor suggested that I go see my parents at the home where I grew up, I was totally resistant. Wouldn’t it be better for my recovery to spend that money on travelling to an FA convention? Yeah, well, that’s the beauty of a strong sponsor who knows me better that anybody on earth and is completely committed to telling me the truth as she hears it from God. (A lot of the time I can’t hear the truth over my fear.)

So I continued talking with my sponsor, made a ton of phone calls, did volumes of writing, and relaxed in all the extra quiet time I needed until I got a sense of peace that this was indeed my Higher Power’s wish for me. I didn’t know WHY I was supposed to go but I knew that I was absolutely on the right path. Things kept falling into place.

It was soooo hard going into it knowing that my sponsor would be unavailable to take my calls, extra calls, text messages etc. She has guided my through trips, moving, mental health meltdowns etc., but she was having a baby and guided me toward my higher power and a dynamite temporary sponsor.

I had one particularly huge mental health crisis while I was on the trip. I had made it to my parents’ house and was having a full-on flip out. I thought about going to them so that they would see how messed up I was and either fix me or LEAVE ME ALONE!!!   I think my sponsor’s voice was in my heart and said gently to let them be and turn instead to God and my program. It was too late for any more calls, so I wrote the destructive feelings out of me and clung to the hope that talking with my temporary sponsor the next day would somehow get me out of my storm of negativity. That call saved me.  My temporary sponsor graciously gave me extra time, was steady as a rock, gave me truth and met me with the love of someone who totally understood. My disease got shut down. We talked and she gave me a plan for the day that would allow me to have time to work my program and also visit with my parents.

Most importantly, throughout this very emotional trip my God-selected temporary sponsor was there to guide me as stuff came up around the food. My abstinence and integrity were maintained. Additionally, I was able to show up for my parents in the recovery personality that God is growing in me. I didn’t run out to the bushes to throw up, I didn’t hide in my room to read, I didn’t steal their food or lie about my activities. Instead I got to hug them, walk on the beach with them and hold my dad’s hand. I got to be fully honest with them.  They totally love and support my FA program and also love God. We got to brag on God together and how good and sweet and powerful God is. Only an all-powerful, loving Being could free me from self-obsession, food obsession and bring me to a tiny town by the beach in coastal Oregon to find a piece of my heart that I didn’t even know I was missing until I found it.

So I have great hope that God can free me from whatever “obsession de jour” I might be having in this moment. But you better believe that I am going to be doing my 1 percent today and working my tools like my life depends on it.  I guess God must love it when I ask for help because He keeps lavishing good stuff on me.