A Story of Recovery:

I ate to make myself feel better

I found this program of recovery when I was 19 years old and in college. I have kept 80 pounds off and haven’t binged for almost 13 years. When  I was a kid I had loving parents and many friends and got good grades.

However, I never felt “normal.” It seemed as though everyone else knew how they were supposed to act, but I didn’t. I was very self-conscious about my weight. I loved food, especially sweets and junk food. I used to go to the homes of certain friends just because I knew they had food I couldn’t get at my house. In junior high, I never got asked to dance at the school dances.

I was klutzy and always got picked last in gym class. I was so jealous of the skinny girls in their skinny jeans. I ate to make myself feel better, to push the sad, hurt feelings inside so I wouldn’t have to feel them anymore.

In high school and college, I tried many diets, therapists, and even a guru at a yoga center. Nothing worked. I just got bigger and bigger. My life was also really out of control. I was an English major and usually started my papers the night before they were due, with boxes and bags of sugar and flour at my side. If I was on a health-food kick, it was boxes and bags of “healthy junk food,” purchased at a health food store. My work was mediocre because I never took the time to make it better; I was to busy with the food. I acted in plays and ate the props and other binge foods before, during, and after rehearsals and performances.

I was in a relationship with a guy who made my skin crawl; but I was too afraid to leave him because at almost 200 pounds, I was sure no other man would want me. Finally, during my senior year in college, I went to a Twelve-Step meeting.

It took me almost a year to accept this program. But once I got it, I grabbed on with both hands. I lost my excess weight. I finished college with honors, went on to get my Master’s Degree, and then a Law Degree. This program gave me the strength to go through school without the food. I weighed and measured my food in the dining hall, and nobody had a problem with it. I felt so good about myself. I was thin and my life was changing. I had hope.

Today I know that my only real problem is food addiction. Everything else is just a life situation. Everything will pass, if I just don’t eat. If I ask for help and take it one day at a time, weight and measure my food, go to meetings, and take my sponsor’s suggestions, I know I never have to be out of control with food again. I never have to diet again. I never have to be fat again. I can be free of fear and self-doubt, and fully alive. Most importantly, I have discovered that I never have to be alone again, that my Higher Power and my FA fellowship are always there for me.