A Story of Recovery:

I didn’t eat through the sadness of infertility

I came into Program because I could not stop eating, was miserable, and was not able to go forward in my life, even though everything looked good on the outside. I had my master’s in counseling psychology and worked in the field for ten years, but all I ever really wanted to do with my life was to get married and have six children. I dated, but had not met the man of my dreams, and was concerned because I felt that something was wrong with me. I was worried and anxious most of the time and was starting to eat out of control. I tried CODA groups, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Alanon, therapy, Reiki, TaiChi, and more, and nothing helped. I was getting worse, not better.

Then I came into FA, but the main purpose of my staying abstinent was to find a man and have children. However, I realized that if I couldn’t choose the right food for myself, how could I choose the right partner? I had fear of men.

It was a relief when it was suggested that I not date for a year. When my no-dating commitment was up, I did participate in Match.com, speed dating, single’s events, etc. Then I turned 41 and woke up said, “Oh My God, if I don’t find a man before December, I am not going to have children. I need to be married by December.” I said to God that I didn’t know how He was going to work it out, but to please help me get married by December.

In March my sponsor suggested that I had a fear of intimacy. My first reaction was to deny it, but then I decided to pray. Every day on my knees I said a prayer, “God take away this of fear of intimacy so I can do your will and be of service.”

In September, I met the man I was to marry and we got married in June two years later. I tried to get pregnant and found out I only had a one percent chance of conceiving. I was devastated and sad. The doctor recommended adoption, but prior to getting married, my fiancée and I had decided that we would not adopt. For two years I did not want to get out of bed and did not want to live. I would cry at AWOLs when saying the Serenity Prayer. I would ask myself, “What is the purpose of life and the purpose of staying abstinent if I am not going to have children?”

We tried fertility treatments and acupuncture, but I knew it was not in me to go to any lengths to have children, so we stopped the fertility treatments and followed through with being together without children. It is only through the grace of God and this program that I did not turn to food, even though I felt like it. No matter what my feelings were, I knew that food was not the answer. My sponsor kept suggesting that I keep feeling my feelings and turn them over to God, saying to Him that I don’t know how to handle this sadness and asking Him to please take it from me. I keep doing that, and now I am at peace, and my husband and I live a very sane, happy, and useful life!