A Story of Recovery:

I kept going and the weight kept coming off.

As a young girl, I was a tomboy, a bully, and an athlete. As a teenager, I smoked dope and became a sort of daredevil. Later I decided I needed to have the validation of an ivy-league university. My mother had continually reminded me of my inadequacies, and I always felt “less than.”

Although I became a beautiful woman, my inadequate feelings about myself continued, whether I was fat or thin. My insecurity was especially evident in my choice of men and my behavior in relationships. The men I chose were almost always emotionally unavailable, due either to drinking, drugs or mental illness. Once in a relationship, I became a supportive partner, never questioning what was best for me but rather tirelessly supplying what was best for them.

After years of this, I lost myself. When my 17-year marriage ended, I had been completely broken down and had no idea how I felt, what I wanted, or who I was. From earlier abuse, I had posttraumatic stress disorder, terrible depression, and two kids to take care of by myself. My ex-spouse had not wanted me to have a career, so my work skills were hopelessly out-of-date. We often got food from food banks, and I continued gaining weight until at 5’5” tall, I weighed 247 pounds. I was fearful, isolated, disappointed, and very sad. Sometimes I alienated the people who tried to help me. I joined a Twelve-Step program for co-dependence and joined a church, where I found faith in a higher power. I started to get better emotionally, but diets continued to fail me.

One Sunday I went to a different church, and a very cute older woman at the welcome desk told me she had lost 100 pounds over the last year. I asked her what she had done, and she told me a little about FA. I had been in a Twelve-Step program for eating problems before, but the woman said that this one was different.

I went to a meeting the next night. For the first three months, I was uncomfortable in the group. Everyone seemed to have bonded but me. I did feel a huge relief, however, in repeatedly admitting I was a food addict, so I kept going and the weight kept coming off. I felt, for the first time in many years, that I could control something. No matter what crises came my way, I calmly weighed and measured my food. The food plan helped me keep me focused on what was best for me. I felt proud that I stuck to the program and cared less about losing weight than about the other many benefits of the program. I started to feel less depressed, closer to God, and stronger.

I still have a ways to go, but I am confident that if I stay on this path. I will continue to make progress.