A Story of Recovery:

I never realized how crazy flour and sugar made me

I never realized how crazy flour and sugar made me. I was only aware of how fat it made me. It took years for me to realize how my food addiction affected my life and was responsible for taking away everything I loved. It’s hard to look back, but as I do, I really believe that because I am a food addict, I made a mess of my life, particularly as a mother. I was controlling, absent much of the time, not available. I clearly did damage to a lot of people I loved.

I grew up with parents who loved me. My father weighed around 250 pounds and he was always on a diet. He died of a heart attack when I was twelve. I was completely lost. I would go down to our basement and binge. I picked up food, and my mother picked up booze. My father left my mother money, but she went through it all within a year. I looked after my two younger brothers.

Then my mother married a red-necked Hungarian who also had a drinking problem and who abused by brother. There was a lot of screaming and crying going on. My brother ended up running away that night and he ended up in Canada, doing time at the age of 16 for selling pot to an under-cover cop.

I had to get out. We had no heat or electricity. I babysat and lived with neighbors. I lived with a guy when I was 17, who later ended up dying of a heroin overdose. I worked in a restaurant that served alcohol. I have lived in restaurants as far back as I can remember.

I was married at 19. My other brother had to come live with me, and I didn’t want him. One night I just asked him to leave. I don’t know how he got back or where he went. This memory still haunts me.

Our expenses were too high, so my husband, son, and I moved back to New York to live with my mother and then moved in with my husband’s parents. That turned out to be a mess because his father drank. My husband and I went into marriage counseling. I was eating non-stop just to cope with everything.

Things got better and we moved into a house and had another son. But I am an addict, and my life was unmanageable. I yelled, screamed, and swore. I was controlling with the kids. They had to have certain haircuts and behave a certain way. Meanwhile I was smoking three joints a day, eating addictively, and I didn’t think there was anything wrong with that. I kept a nice home and my kids were dressed nicely, so I thought I was being a good mother.

My mother then died at 53 of a heart attack.  She’d been taking so many psych meds, she couldn’t keep track. Her psychiatrist told me my mother was a schizophrenic, manic-depressive.

I was devastated and barely functioning.  Then one day the kids were home unsupervised. My youngest son found some gasoline and matches. I used to keep little books of matches from restaurants in the china closet. There was an explosion, and my son got third-degree burns over 68 percent of his body.  He was in the ICU for three months.

After the accident, my husband became an alcoholic. He was 49 years old and on high blood pressure medicine. My mother had died right before the accident, and then my husband’s mother died. It was crazy. We were living in funeral homes and hospitals.  They were foreclosing on the house, and had turned off the heat. My husband had an affair, and I divorced him. The only way I knew how to cope was to eat. It was vicious! I had to zone out in order to survive.

And there I was. The kids didn’t listen to me, they didn’t go to school, and I had no help.  I’d just gotten into Al-Anon, thank God, but I felt alone. My sons had to find their own way. Their attitude was, “Screw you, we’ll do what we want.”  They both ended up in foster care and never came back.  Eventually, they both went to live with relatives in New York. I had lost my marriage, my home, my kids, and my dog. By the time I came into FA, there was nothing left to lose.

I was really into food. I ate in restaurants three times a day, and I also smoked around 32 joints a day. Throughout most of my life, I was emotionally sick, angry, opinionated, and had lots of rage. I was crazy. I had no idea I was sick; I really believed that it was everybody else.

I was in Overeater’s Anonymous for a while, but knew that I was clearly an addict when it came to food. My disease had me by the throat and I had no peace. Every minute was about thinking about food and getting it. I always had food in my pockets, my pocketbook, and my car. I was eating off other people’s plates, off the floor, and out of the garbage.

I was looking to be free from food. When I found FA, I weighed 200 pounds. I have lost 80 pounds and my life is getting better. I am gaining some sanity and some perspective about how much damage I have done to myself and to the people around me.  I am now making better choices. Recently I was engaged to a man who could fly me all over the world. But when I realized it wasn’t right for me, I could walk away from him and the $18,000 diamond.

I’m 50 now, and I’m abstinent and living a great life. I enjoy living alone, I’m planning to purchase my own home, and I’m doing well in my own business. Most importantly, I’m the kind of mother, sister, and friend that I think I should be. I have a good relationship with my older son and his girlfriend. I’ve made amends to my brothers, and keep in touch with them both.

Since getting abstinent in FA, I’ve learned to be accepting of my other son. He has his own path to recovery ahead of him. (He’s recently joined AA). He needs his time and his way to be angry, grieve, and blame. I was not invited to his twin babies’ birthday party in December, which was hard for me. I trust that, like me, he’ll find recovery, and we’ll find a way toward each other. Meanwhile, I send cards and gifts on birthdays and holidays. I show up in the way I’ve been taught to.

My other son and his girlfriend are going to have a baby girl in July. I know that because I’m in recovery today, I have a shot at being in their lives as well as in my granddaughter’s life.

I no longer look like the same person as when I was in disease.  My hair is now red and I’m slender. I never get tired of hearing people say, “You look great!” I do, thank God. My life is good today, and I owe it all to FA.