A Story of Recovery:

I’d Been in Twelve-Step Before, But I Didn’t Change

I was standing at the kitchen counter, watching the talking heads on the TV across the room, as I became aware that I was about to finish my sixth bowl of breakfast product and was getting ready to pour my seventh. I wanted to stop, but couldn’t. That’s when I knew I needed help. Again.

I’d been in Twelve-Step programs before: Al-a-teen, Al-a-non, AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), and OA. I knew there was help out there. I knew that some of the meetings that would benefit me were right across the street from my office, but that didn’t change my behavior one bit. It was just me and my lack of action.

Now I knew I would have to actually do something; I would have to move into action.  So I went to my laptop and searched the internet for, “OA meetings.”  The list popped up, and the next morning, I walked into a building and followed the signs.

I thought I was walking into an OA meeting, but I accidentally walked into an FA meeting instead. It wasn’t until the meeting was well underway that I figured it out, so I sat politely through the first half.

During the break, I approached a woman who was attractive, thin, and appeared to be happy, and I asked her if she would sponsor me. She told me she was not available but gave me the number of someone who was.

I called that person the same day and we got started the next morning. My new sponsor set the ground rules. She gave me lots of information and I wrote it down, but this is what I actually heard: “I will be happy to sponsor you as long as you are willing. The moment you become unwilling, or if your unwillingness jeopardizes my abstinence in any way, I will not sponsor you any more. Is that clear?”  Of course, that’s not exactly what she said, but that’s what I heard, and I believed she meant it. So I said to myself, Okay, got it. And our relationship has continued to this day.

My sponsor hung in there with me day after day as I struggled through withdrawal symptoms from sugar and flour. She hung in there with me through my breaks and my confusion. There were countless mornings when I was so physically and emotionally depleted that it was just too much to hold my head up while we talked on the phone, so I rested it on the table in front of me, only to appear at the breakfast table 15 minutes later with a big red welt on my forehead. Some mornings I was late with my phone calls, and rather than shame me, she explained how she sat in her home waiting for my call, and when I did not show up, she was concerned about me.

After reaching a plateau in my weight loss, my sponsor invited me to take a closer look at my use of something I was using to enhance the taste of my food. In less than 24 hours I realized I had been addicted to it! When I reported it to my sponsor the next morning, I could almost see her nodding and smiling gently.

My sponsor never told me what to do, yet she repeatedly shared her experience, strength, and hope with me.  I was able to hear her, process the meaning of what she was saying, and then tweak my thoughts and behaviors in ways that strengthened my program and suited my life, my values, and my circumstances.  With the help of my High Power, FA, and the Twelve Steps, I moved from a size 16 to a size 8.

Abstinence in FA has brought many gifts and “ah-ha” moments into my life, yet none is more important to me than the gift of presence and clarity. Abstinence removes obstacles, clears out confusion and petty distractions, and enables me to be more fully present for my life. FA allows me to let go of anger and resentment. Abstinence allows me to ask myself the question, “So why am I holding on to this?” and wait patiently until the answer comes. And the answer always comes. When let go, that’s when something glorious happens in my life.