A Story of Recovery:

In Chronic Care

One of the most painful experiences of my life proved to be the motivator to propel me into FA. I know that the God of my understanding uses every life situation, and most definitely, God was right there helping me. Just prior to joining FA I had a meeting with my nursing school administrators, who informed me I was not going to be able to continue studying to be a nurse. My grades were poor and my clinical performance was not up to needed standards. I was panicky in my clinical rotations and it showed. I was sweaty and red faced and not able to focus. Mentally, I was so fragile, and the culture of nursing training at that time was harsh and strict. My trips to the school’s vending machine were my only way of coping. The nursing school director’s words informing me that I could no longer continue were kind, and I remember a tissue box being pushed my way. But hearing these words felt like my worst nightmare. My world felt out of control; I could not achieve something that I really wanted.

Before I knew about this program, I knew that I was eating out of control, but did not make the connection between my eating and the unmanageable life I had. I had given up trying to eat normally. I gave in to the food thoughts and ate whole packages and cartons. I did not get much relief from eating anymore, just disgust and remorse. My skin hurt and my gut felt bloated like a basketball. The bingeing and attempts at smothering these feelings would repeat. Each and every time, there was the painful reality that the food was not helping anything. This knowledge did not stop me from the insanity of eating again.

I felt like I had nothing left to lose after being dismissed from nursing school. Not knowing what else to do, I started going to FA meetings. I sat in those rooms and finally knew there were others like me. Members were sharing their personal stories, the same as how I ate, and they offered a way to stop. The disciplined food plan and the level of support scared me, but I was more terrified of my out-of-control eating. When I took that leap of trust, I got an FA sponsor and got honest with someone else about what I was doing with food. I surrendered to a weighed and measured food plan. Something happened that first day of abstinence. Even thought I was still 185 pounds and in terrible pain, I felt an enormous shift inside. I knew in my heart I was taking care of myself in the most fundamental way I could. That sense of freedom kept me going to keep stacking up one more day of abstinence.

I remember how the suggestions for me as a newcomer in FA were very, very logistical. There was not a lot of talk with my sponsor about how to manage life except in the very practical, day-to-day stuff. It was all action. “Call me every day, eat like this, go to meetings. Here’s a list of people to call, pray, read these books, practice gratitude to your Higher Power for everything, even the clean dish you just washed.” Food addiction had done a lot of damage. My brain was fried and I had massive fear of everything. My action-oriented early intensive care in FA meant the world to me, then and now. I needed to not try and fix my life at that time, but just to keep giving myself the luxury of being a newcomer, as was suggested to me by a long-term member.

I am now in what I call chronic care instead of the early intensive care. My life has changed in spectacular ways since those early days. I no longer experience food thoughts or cravings. When I compare myself to myself, it is spectacular, but in most ways I have an average-looking life. I have stayed the same normal weight since first putting the food down. In abstinence, I finished nursing school and went on to get a graduate degree as a nurse practitioner. I got married and have three children. I was available and abstinent for each of my parent’s passing. I am accountable at my job in a hospital. I live in a home, pay bills, plan vacations, and face the normal range of disappointments and problems of life. I stay abstinent and continue to develop a connection with the God of my understanding and work this program. I have the privilege of offering the kind of recovery that was so helpful to me when I was new at this. I am so grateful for the simple but powerful actions that keep me here.