A Story of Recovery:

It’s a Plan!

I have been asking God for the courage to change recently, and one area I wish to change is my over-planning. I have come to realize, through my quiet time and the gentle words of my sponsor, that you cannot plan fun. Seriously?  To confess this has come as a bit of a shock, as “fun” was actually often written into my plan for the day, even though I did not know what that looked like or how it would occur.

At University, despite being unable to actually focus long enough to study, my super- duper, colour-coordinated, tick-boxed plan gave me a fantasy that I was actually doing something constructive with my time. I spent a considerable portion of my evenings carefully planning what it was I wanted to do the following day, and this gave me the illusion that I was actually doing something with my days.

The reality was that I would simply think and think and worry, and then eat. I lived for the tick on my chart, and consequently would often set myself up for feeling trapped and stuck by my often-unachievable goals and targets. It was a great tactic of my addict self to rationalise the use of yet more food because I was such a failure.

Then a friend recommended that I try FA, but warned me about the “rigidity.” I now have four years of FA recovery, three-and-a-half years of abstinence, and am 35 pounds lighter. I continue to work on my problems of over-organisation and planning. I have learned how to prioritise and practice “less is more,” and “first things first,” and this has given me freedom like I’ve never experienced before.

But I still have difficulty ‘”letting go and letting God.” I can still get stuck in indecision, believing there to be one right way of doing things. I often feel that if I don’t work out what the one right way is, I feel that I will fail or else have a horrible outcome. It brings me back to the all-important slogan, “progress not perfection.”

Being in recovery does not mean that all my defects magically vanish overnight.  What often seems to be the case, as much as I dislike this, is that I usually have to be brought to my knees, sometimes several times, before I think to ask for help. I stay in this program because I desire continued change and personal growth. I have hope because I have already experienced this. I have seen others change and have faith that this will continue to occur more for me.

What I have to do is continue to weigh and measure, get to meetings, call my sponsor, make my calls, read my literature—all the FA jazz, which is a small price to pay, given that doing all of these things makes me feel pretty darn good. Thankfully, the “rigidity” I had heard about has saved my life by providing me with the much-needed support, discipline, and loving guidance I have always needed.

So, just for today I will not write a list and plan down to every last detail. Just for today I will resist the temptation to read through this story several times, constantly checking and editing it! I give this day to God and trust that whatever comes my way will be what it is supposed to be.