A Story of Recovery:

Junk Runs 

I came into FA at the age of 37, at my most miserable top weight of 176 pounds (nearly 80kg). This was the maximum I would ever let myself reach because this was my weight while pregnant with my children. I have 3 children and I was not a good role model.

I was obsessed with all the things – flour, sugar, and quantities. I had to have it all, every time.

When my mind would flip into “addict mode” I would get an uncontrollable urge to eat – always junk – and I would become “binge drunk”. I would transform into an addict who had to get her “fix” NOW!

I had started a crazy tradition with my kids of going down to the local convenience store for what I called a Junk Run. I would pile them into my car and off we would go. I would buy everything from the store to fill my every type of flavor, texture or temperature. I would fill up a bag and I would let my kids pick out whatever they wanted too.

One time I was in such a foggy buzz-like trance that I forgot to open the garage door prior to backing out! Talk about embarrassing. Luckily the garage door was just dented, and I did not make it inoperable. This was me as an addict before the binge. Oh Boy…the after binge was just as horrible.

I have always been the type of food addict who likes to be stuffed. My brain does not connect to my stomach until it is too late, and I am so full that I can barely talk or move. I would become super grouchy, irritable and over critical. The short fuse was not fun nor was the shame I would experience after uncontrollable eating. After the binge is just as miserable and I did not know how to get out of the awful cycle. Plus, my kids were all now ramped up on sugar so I would not have the patience for them…and I created their sugar high!

Looking back now I feel ashamed that I would get my kids so jacked up and excited to go on those Junk Runs. I did not think or see at the time how I was setting them up by going on special outings to binge on all the unhealthy stuff. I realize now that I was being a terrible role model by encouraging them to eat loads of whatever they wanted.

Today I no longer am taking my kids on Junk Runs. I have been in FA working all the tools of recovery for 4 years and now I maintain a healthy and very fit body weight of 121 pounds (nearly55kg). Now I plan my food daily, write it down, weigh it, plate it, sit down with it, and chew it. Now that I do this for myself, I am able to prepare healthy food for my children as well. By living healthily and being in a right sized body and keeping flour, sugar, and quantities out of my life I have the blessing of feeling like I have reversed my age by 2 decades and I get to be a great role model for my kids. Their friends say I look so young and my kids are all very proud of me. They fully support my recovery in FA and all that it takes for me to be and to stay abstinent. One day at a time and sometimes one meal at a time I get a daily reprieve from my food addiction and I no longer am a horrible binging food addict of a mother. Now my kids want to eat healthily because they see how much I have changed and how great I feel and how good I look and they want it for themselves! FA recovery has been an absolute blessing. I could not be in this position today if I had not found it. I no longer have to feel ashamed of the past and I can be proud of what is to come in the present and the future!