A Story of Recovery:

Just HP and Me

I can still hear the gulls’ screeching cries and smell the salty surf air of that mid-March afternoon on the Oregon coast. I can also see in my mind the sugar foods and snacks that were strewn throughout the van, calling to me. I remember the hunger that gnawed at my insides. I had traveled with my eight children to visit my parents on the coast during spring break, and this moment at the beach combined into a set of circumstances which turned out to be a test of my abstinence!

We had attempted a long hike that morning which proved to be more difficult than I had anticipated, resulting not only in expending more time and energy than I really had, but also throwing off the timing of my meals. After the hike, we successfully got everyone back to the van, and while we drove to a nearby beach, the kids gorged on snacks. While the older kids played in the ocean and the two toddlers dug in the sand under their grandparents’ watchful care, I sat alone in the van to nurse the baby who had awakened after a fitful nap, his own normal routines interrupted by the morning outing. As I sat there feeding him, I felt alone, hungry and exhausted from the hike, and I began to feel tempted to grab one of those snacks that lay at my fingertips. 

I felt perfectly justified and found myself trying to talk myself into a break! I was nursing an infant, after all! What nursing mother isn’t entitled to eat extra calories to feed her own baby? (Disclaimer: I knew I was getting enough calories and I am grateful for my well-crafted food plan, which I know provided sufficient nutrition throughout my pregnancy and had been adjusted to make sure I was providing enough for my little one.) Yet, my mind tried to latch on to any reason that would make it okay to just eat something…anything! I’m hungry, no one is watching, this is just not the right phase of life for me to attempt to stick to this program and on and on as my baby fell asleep. 

I tried to turn to my tools. I said the serenity prayer and that helped a little. I figured what better time for an outreach call, so I reached for my phone. No good; it was dead and I had no way to charge it. I began to feel isolated and discouraged and my inner addict seemed to be on the verge of claiming victory. 

Well, God, it’s just you and me I guess, I thought. I tried to relax into the moment and allow His power to carry me through. As I let my mind drift from thoughts of food and focus on other things around me I began to hear the calming sounds of nature; the tide, the birds, the wind in the trees, the baby’s gentle breaths, the distant peals of laughter as my children ran from crashing waves. I also began to “hear” the voices and stories of other FA fellows. So what if I couldn’t make an outreach call, I had made hundreds in the past! I was able to tap into those past calls, reach back in my memory and listen to the counsel and advice I’d been given and this gift from my Higher Power carried me through the moment when I felt so alone. My Higher Power brought to mind conversations I’d had with others, encouraging me to stay strong in my abstinence, sharing their own stories and struggles of how it felt to have a break. Voice after voice seemed to come into my mind, encouraging me, strengthening me, enabling me to be stronger than my inner addict, who still wanted to reach for a snack. 

In the moment of temptation and isolation it felt like this challenge would last forever, but in retrospect it was probably only 20 minutes or so. Soon enough the baby woke up and I was able to join the others on the beach and distract myself from the hunger. My next meal came, as it always does, and the rhythm of life returned to normal. I am grateful that my phone went dead, because it enabled me to have that moment with my Higher Power. When I allowed my mind to reach for help from God and relax into the memories of past outreach calls, I opened myself to the strength I had been building in months past, and it sustained me. 

I know that giving in and eating food outside of my food plan would have created cravings and obsession for more, and more would not have been a wise choice. Every morning I ask my Higher Power for an abstinent day and then it’s up to me to fight for that, and sometimes it does feel like a fight! The waves of hunger and trials of life will undoubtedly try to overtake me as the tides of life ebb and flow, but with my tools, my fellows, and my Higher Power I can continue to run from those waves and stay firm in my recovery.