A Story of Recovery:

Keeping Secrets

I walked through the doors of FA almost 5 years ago weighing 271 lbs. on a 5 ft. 4 frame and feeling so miserable, helpless, and hopeless that I didn’t want to live. I got a sponsor the very first night not knowing anything about strong programs, abstinence, or even food addiction. I just wanted to lose weight and thought that would be the solution to all my problems. I called my sponsor who had a strong successful program for 18 months and I did lose weight, 146 lbs. of it! I went from a size 24W to a size 4.

During this part of my journey I kept secrets!  Some secrets involved measuring my food sloppily or using spices that were not suggested. I eventually became honest about these after weeks of harboring them and would start back to Day One. This happened four or five times but there was a much bigger secret festering in my heart creating a huge gaping sore in my recovery. I wanted to leave FA which translated to I wanted to eat! I sat in meetings by my sponsor appearing to be tuned in to the speaker but thinking about leaving and never coming back. I shared words of experience, strength, and hope that felt like a lie because I was living a double FA life. My outreach calls were to people that I knew would sympathize with me. They were disgruntled as well. I rarely spoke with fellows that would call me into accountability and tell me the truth. I complained about my sponsor behind her back unrelentingly; she was too strict. She spoke to me and treated me like a child. She was mean, lacked compassion and the list went on. I was two-faced and dishonest. I never shared with her the battle that was raging inside me. Leading this double life was exhausting!

One morning we had our usual sponsor call and discussed fruit salad and what I could have in one that I was serving to some guests. About six hours later I called her and told her I was changing sponsors. It happened as fast as taking a bite can happen. My disease took me out over a piece of fruit! We can laugh about that now. I got a sponsor who had volunteered to sponsor me because my sponsor was so mean! She allowed me to have foods I thought I wanted.  I was not given specific quantities but a 2 to 4 oz. range. It is not a surprise that I always had the larger amount. This person sadly is no longer in program.

During the next 15 months, I completely lost my way. I had ten different sponsors. Whenever I broke my abstinence, I kept it a secret and instead of being honest and telling the sponsor of the week or month, I just changed to another sponsor. In the first two weeks after leaving my first sponsor, I gained 25 lbs. The addiction came back with a fury I could not have imagined. I gained 125 lbs. of my original weight loss back.

I came into FA in Dallas where I had meetings, but my husband retired and we wanted to travel in our camper. I used this as an excuse to completely leave the program for about 4 months. I didn’t want to have to search out meetings, make phone calls, talk to a sponsor or do any of the tools. I just wanted to be “free.” I went back to the desperation of trying to figure out a solution on my own. I deleted every FA number out of my phone because I was never coming back. During this time, a few people continued to reach out to me. I read their texts and listened to their messages on my answering machine, but I didn’t respond. Even though I wouldn’t pick up, it helped keep the solution in my mind. For this reason, I now continue to try to reach out to the food addict that still suffers and may not be actively in program because it helped me!!

What happened?!? I reached out to God a second time and asked for help. He kept whispering to me, “Why don’t you go back to what worked?” I contacted my first sponsor by text and told her I was drowning. She had time available and was willing to work with me again. What a gift of God’s mercy and grace. She said some words that I hold dear to my heart. She said, “Let’s just get you abstinent.” It was music to my ears. It was the thought that I didn’t have to do it alone. She and I together with God were going to get me abstinent.

Fast forward 14 months and I’ve lost about 95 lbs. so far. I’m sponsoring and staying abstinent on the frontier [term previously used to describe an area far away from an established in-person FA fellowship]. We still travel a lot, but God is the one that keeps me abstinent and He is everywhere. I do my part by doing my tools which are very portable when I am willing to do them. I tell my sponsor everything…even my negative thoughts so she can be aware of what my disease is up to and can advise me. I no longer pretend to have it all together, so I no longer need to keep secrets!